I need to break from the pattern today and just talk about my fear. I will still do the exercise, Iíve found it incredibly helpful, so far, but Iíve learned (once again) that thereís a lot more to emotional health than just thinking happy thoughts.

Yesterday, I didnít mention is that we also stopped by a grocery store in Adamís old neighborhood. It was one of those small, locally owned places that sells organic food and holistic remedies. Adamís neighborhood is one of those kinds of neighborhoods. Itís belongs to hipsters and the alternative set. Thereís a Reiki school and clinic across the street from his old apartment.

As we were walking out of the store, he stopped me, so we could check out the bulletin board. It is covered. Posters, cards and ads are stacked on top of one another with the paraphernalia of various energy healers. Like I said, this is where the alternative set lives. If you want to get something pierced, tattooed or holistically healed, thatís the place to go. However, it did scare me a little bit. Is the market already saturated?

So, this where the Think Positive exercise has helped, I think. It wasnít so hard for me to come up with a positive spin on this, and I actually felt good about it.

There are a lot of healers out there. This means that itís becoming more accepted. So, I donít have to worry as much about being seen as a freak, and being disregarded.

If you look around, thereís hardly a market that isnít saturated. Itís this countryís obsession with the evilness of idleness. Without a career, a person is a loser, a nobody. So, suited for it or not, we are forced pursue something. Be in a niche; preferably a niche that makes money.

Thereís nothing particularly special about the niche Iím in now. There are plenty of data analysts around, or at least, people who claim to be analysts (the same for energy healers, Iím sure). Iíve learned something recently (and I probably should have learned this years ago). I am no different (technically speaking) from the next analyst, but Iím actually way more valuable than that person. Iím really good at what I do, and the people around me recognize that value.

Iíve seen lots and lots of evidence over the years proving this to me, but I never heeded it. This is partly because I donít like what I do, and partly because Iíve been psychologically unable to see myself as a capable person.

The bulletin board full of energy healers doesnít mean that I shouldnít be an energy healer, it just means I have to a better energy healer than the rest of them. Does that scare me? Hell yes. Do I think I can achieve that? Hell yes.

Ok, thereís that part, and then thereís the financial part that needs to be addressed, while I become that magnificent healer that exists in my imagination. Adam directed the conversation into budgeting (my least favorite topic in the world), and we spent a lot of time on that. We went into detail about our expenses and the money we could potentially try to get; loans, etc.

This scares me a lot. No matter how hard I try, I canít find any other financial option.

I didnít do too badly, loan wise, the first time around. I didnít take out a ton of money and the majority of it is paid off. If it had ever occurred to me that I might need more loan money, Iíd have probably paid it off faster.

The first time around, I honestly didnít know what I wanted to do with my life. How could I? I was 18 years old. Most 18 year olds canít be trusted with the most basic decisions, let alone make life-long career choices.

I understand that, in the past, with the shorter life spans, we needed to get started ASAP with a job and family because there wasnĎt a lot of time. Now, people live longer, and rather than saying, ďHey, this means you get to take more time to enjoy life and figure out your direction,Ē we say, ďHey, letís raise the retirement age.Ē

Anyway, when I went into this field, many moons ago, I knew that it was acting as a placeholder. I needed to do something until I figured out my true path. I didnít think it would take me freakiní 15 years to find my true path, but thatís the nature of karma.

When I think about it, it really is the short-term money stuff thatís stressing me out. I am getting over the idea that taking out a loan is the worst situation imaginable, but I also know that banks donít hand out loans like candy, anymore.

Ok, so on with the exercise:

Number 1
I started reading a book last night and Iím enjoying it. Itís a fluffy book with no literary value, at all, but Iím enjoying it. For the past few weeks, Iíve had readers block. I know, that sounds impossible, but it is, it is. I havenít heeded a traffic sign in weeks (just kidding).

Number 2
Even though I havenít been able to snowboard, Iím really enjoying this non-winter, winter. I know that it means that global warming has kicked into high gear, and we will all die by the end of this year, but hey, that means all my above mentioned problems will be solved! Yay!

Number 3
I think I figured out that the thing thatís causing my excessive lip dryness isnít winter. It may just be that Iím allergic to the red wine vinegar in our cupboard. With all the mystery that shrouds food processing, Iíve learned that I can spontaneously be allergic to anything. One brand that may use some different chemical or a different way of processing that causes me to have a reaction. Yesterday morning, it was more severe than usual, and I remembered that I had gone a little crazy with the red wine vinegar the night before. It was severe enough that it was starting to look like hives, so I took some Claritin, and within 30 minutes, it was gone.

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Sunday, Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:36 PM