Lately, things have going particularly well in the relationship department, and Iíve been feeling a lot better about life, in general.

I think itís because I am actually learning to be true to myself, for real. I used to think that I lived a pretty true-to-myself lifestyle. It was sort of me, but it was closer to resembling a bizarro-me. It was the me that came out of making compromises between my actual self and my perception of ďnormal.Ē

Iím just not normal, but Iíve always wanted to be normal. That mostly stems from my desire to be included. I donít want to be an ďother.Ē I want to be part of the group. Over the years, while participating in activities that I like, and going to events that appeal to me, Iíve discovered that I could do both. I can myself, and I can be included. Iíve not met a person who is identical to me, but who has? I have met people who are closer to me. Theyíre close enough that theyíre comfortable with me, and Iím comfortable with being me around them.

Come to think of it, I am so glad that we live in an age where we can be more flexible with our lifestyles. Maybe itís living in the city, but I almost never get hassled for my lifestyle choices, anymore.

I think that maybe we have the internet to thank for that. Those of us whoíve felt like, ďthe otherĒ and thought we had to adhere to some ridiculous standard or be ostracized, have found each other. We get support and gain strength through that, which means, out in real life, weíre less and less afraid to let our freak flags fly.

Anyway, I have to be careful about saying that things are great with Adam. It seems like whenever I say to myself, ďWow, things have been really great between us, lately,Ē within 24 hours, heíll do something that drives me totally batty. Iím beginning to think that when I say those words to myself that Iím subconsciously setting up unrealistic expectations. I go home thinking that everything is going to be all candy hearts, bunnies and rainbows, and then I get hit with reality.

The positive thing is that over time, Iíve been thinking positive thoughts more and more, and the fall out has been less and less severe. The less fall out might be because Iíve recognized the pattern and now Iím cautious.

Iíve grown an unexpected amount within the past couple of years. My reiki teacher says that itís because regular reiki practice slowly heals a person in profound ways. More immediate results can be seen with smaller things. The big changes become evident over years. I think I remember her saying something about excruciating growing pains, too. Well, maybe that wasnít it, exactly, but I do remember her saying that personal growth often hurts. Her point being, that sometimes, shying away from uncomfortable things can inhibit our growth.

Maybe thatís the case, I donít know.

One thing that seems to be the case, with me, is that when Iím uncomfortable, Iím uncomfortable. It seems like I canít zone out and numb myself as easily as most people can.

This is why I am involved in so many healing practices. Itís always been just about me trying to figure out how to survive. My own discomfort seems to be the thing that has pushed me forward more than anything else.

Oh, I never mentioned Saturday. It was a gorgeous day, and I wanted to walk around in center city. Normally, this would include us going to a sit-down restaurant. Instead, I suggested that we stop by a vegan pizza place. We each got a couple of slices and Adam got a vegan dessert. They were also giving away vegan Irish potatoes, too (which were awesome).

Afterwards, we sat in a park to digest, people watch and soak up the sun. Once we were safely out of pizza-cramp danger, we threw the Frisbee around. That lasted until the time on our free parking spot was up. Normally, this is when weíd just head home, but we were both having such a good time that we decided to stay longer. We went back to the car and moved it to another spot (this time, we had to put it in a paid spot, but a cheap one, at a meter).

So, we moved the car and continued enjoying the city until dusk. Adam had to make a falafel stop, but I was still good with the pizza. I know this doesnít sound like the most frugal day in the world, but I am happy with the progress weíve made.

We were in the city for several hours, we created our own entertainment, and we were having so much fun that we didnít want it to end. Sure, the nice weather played a role in it, too, but for now, sunshine is free.

This weekend, weíre going to completely offset those savings by going snowboarding in Vermont. At least, I hope thatís whatís going to happen when we get to Vermont. Itís been so warm, I donít think theyíve even been able to make snow.

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Thursday, Mar. 22, 2012 at 4:22 PM