Apologies for the length. I guess I'm feeling typey today.
I had trouble getting to sleep Saturday night, and then I was up early Sunday morning, unable to get back to sleep. I might just be entering one of those high energy phases. For about a month, I was constantly tired, cranky and sleeping long hours.
Maybe once my world changes and resettles, I might find some kind of fitful routine; a way to make myself fit into a pleasant day-in, day-out pattern.
Of course, thereís also the excitement and anxiety and everything surrounding the transition. Itís getting there. Iím still waiting on a closing date for my mortgage and I have oral surgery next month. Once those things are settled, then Iíll be able to pick a last-day-of-work date.
Speaking of which, the new hire that Iíd wrangled to get, and trained on 90% of what I know, gave notice on Friday. She wasnít trying to get out of the job; just some good fortune befell on her. Well, I canít help but to be happy for her, for that. Itís going to suck for the company, though.
Itís strange, because since the beginning, when events changed at work, freeing me up to transition some of my knowledge and tasks, it felt like a sign that said, ďDonít worry about leaving these guys high and dry, you have a good person that will take over, for you.Ē
Now, that the good person is going away, what does that say about my sign? Intuitively speaking, I think I just needed that extra push a few months ago. A few months ago, I would have used no-replacement as an excuse, and isnít that the most pathetic excuse ever? ďI canít leave my job because theyíll miss me too much?Ē
The fact that sheís leaving hardly affects me, anymore. Iíve given up my vice-grip on feeling responsible for tasks at work. Iím sure that the events that have led to her leaving have everything to do with whatever the universe is bestowing on her, right now, and have nothing to do with me.
Last week, I went to my reiki teacherís house, and she laid out the deal she was offering, for continuing reiki education. Itís actually not as bad as I imagined, but it will take some work.
I sent her an email letting her know that I want to move forward with the training and she said that sheíll send me a contract as soon as she writes one up.
Iím feeling oddly confident about the whole thing, this week. My reiki teacher turned me on to a website thatís written by a woman who is a real astrologist (not one of those entertainment-only daily horoscope things), so it was created with actual integrity. Iím not normally a western horoscope kind of girl (except in a non-serious way). If Iím going to look at any fortune telling framework, my go-to is always from an eastern tradition. I guess we all have our comfort zones.
Anyway, I checked it ou,t and apparently, the few weeks between April 21 and sometime in early May is when my career opportunity potential is as its highest point. She said that I really need to be take advantage of this because the stars arenít going to be in this pattern again for another 12 years. So, thereís no pressure there.
I wonder if my coworker that gave notice is also a Leo?
Last week, despite all my logical reservations about everything thatís going on in my life, my intuition has been telling me to focus on just two things; the mortgage refinance and the school application.
So, thatís what Iíve been doing. Iím currently at a point with the refinance where Iím waiting to hear from the mortgage lady about a closing date. By the way, rather than getting any money out of this, itís actually going to cost me money. However, the one plus side is that itís going to bring my mortgage down, which, as long as I manage to keep paying that, pretty much guarantees that Iíll always have a cheap and decent place to live. I did the math, and as long as there are no surprise expenses at the closing, I should make back my closing cost money in a little over a year.
This also means that my car will be costing me more, on a monthly basis, than my house, but thatís only until the car is paid off. And, really, as silly and bizarre as that sounds, thatís not a bad situation to be in.
On Saturday, I focused on the other important thing, my application. Iíve gotten two of the biggest parts out of the way now. Last week, I re-did my resume (because grad schools ask for this), so, now I have an updated resume. I may look it over again before sending it, but, for right now, thatís done.
The other was my statement of purpose. I was nervous about writing an actual paper because I havenít done that in about a decade. Plus, I was never a good student.
I like to pretend that I was a good student because people tend to think that about me, and I like to think that about me, too. In actuality, I was a bad student that got decent grades because I happen to be gifted, which is just an accident of the genetic lottery. Maybe itís the Puritan cultural influences, but for some reason, I think we all like the idea that hard work should equal reward, in every case.
After witnessing students continuously email and meet with Adam all semester, working their butts to the bone, and still barely scraping by with a C-, I see that, sometimes, hard work doesnít pay off like we like to think it should.
Since school is such a messed up bizarre pseudo reality, this seems to happen a lot, but I do believe that once real life commences, the hard-work vs talent does shake out in the way that it should. Thatís because, in real life, weíre not given a bunch of taxing mental problems. In real life, weíre more often given busy work, annoying tasks and situations that try our patience more than our brains. Itís more about showing up and getting our hands dirty than it is about problem solving and taking tests.
While today, Iím not silly enough to insult myself about my work ethic (I have since proven that I can show up and get my hands dirty), I still remember how I dealt with school. Being exposed to Adamís colleagues has also shown me that grad school is different, too. In grad school, itís not an option to either be smart or be a hard worker. Both are required. Some of these people have a brilliance that would curl your hair.
So, anyway, I had a lot of reservations about the paper writing, but I forged ahead. I wrote my first draft on Saturday. When Adam got home from doing his own paper writing, I showed it to him, with the assurance that he did not need to return any edits to me, anytime soon.
His first reaction was, ďThe thing I canít believe is that you actually wrote this in one day.Ē He continued on, raving about how much he loved it. I asked him if he was sure he wasnít just comparing it to the papers of new undergrads that could barely write a complete sentence?
He said, ďNo, Iíve read the papers of undergrads, graduate students, high-level graduate students and full-blown professors, and you basically just kicked all of their asses.Ē
I said, ďThat is astounding.Ē
He said, ďYouíre right. It is.Ē
Then, we went and got vegan pizza.
I know him well enough to know that he wouldnít rave about something unless he truly believed it. He would tell me if he thought it was bad. He certainly wouldnít tell me that he loved it if he didnít (he is definitely, definitely, definitely not that kind of person). Iím very lucky that I can take his word seriously here because he worked as a writer and editor, for years, before grad school, and of course, writes and edits academic papers now, as a grad student.
Itís a huge relief, not only to know that it doesnít need a ton of editing, but that I can still actually write a paper when called upon. Is it as jaw-droppingly good as he says? I donít know, but if it is, I guess that means Iím in the wrong career.
I guess weíve known that for a while, havenít we?
|Monday, Apr. 23, 2012 at 2:01 PM|