It was an interesting turn of events that finally got me to quit.

Like I said, Iíd started questioning everything after the mortgage settlement didnít go as planned. Because of that, I started hesitating about when I should quit or even if I should quit. I decided that Iíd probably resign sometime around the beginning of next week and work a few weeks into June. This is far beyond my original plan. Iíd actually planned to quit around the end of April, but then April became May and May was becoming June, and so on.

I was majorly dragging my feet. Last night, my reiki teacher sent me email about the class that she wants me to assist. She said that it would be four afternoons over a two week period, those two weeks most likely being the first two weeks of June. The schedule for this class is still up in the air, but I took it as a sign. I saw it as a cosmic nudge to stop putting off the resignation.

I slept on it, but only because I had no choice. Iíd decided last night, but I wouldnít be at work again until the next day. I decided that I needed to get it over with, first thing, but I couldnít manage it. My feet wouldnít walk into her office.

So, I called my reiki teacher, and I told her that I needed her to tell me that I was doing the right thing. Of all my friends, she has the most wisdom and the most integrity, and I thought to myself, ďIf she tells me to do this, I know Iíll do it. I wonít hesitate.Ē You know the most annoying trait of any friend that has wisdom and integrity? Theyíll never just tell you to do something.

We talked it out, a little bit, and therapist-like, she allowed me to come to my own conclusions, and even floated the idea that if I was this scared, that maybe Iím just not ready.

But, these were the conclusions:

Most of my anxiety was coming from my extreme fear of disappointing others. Being fully aware of the situation at work, and jumping ship, anyway, is making me feel like the kind of scum only found on the bottom of the ugliest of shoes. I donít what it is about some us folks, but thereís something about putting others in a bad spot is so distasteful, that Iíd almost rather jump off a really high bridge. Heck, there are times I almost have because I couldnít bear the knowledge that I might be inconveniencing someone else. This feels like one of those situations where, logically, I know Iím just doing whatís best for me, which everyone is entitled to do, but it feels like I just took a wrong turn in a really bad neighborhood.

My second fear is about whether or not Iíll be able to support myself. We talked a little bit about that, and she said, ďIt sounds like youíre having trust issues.Ē Of course, I knew exactly what she meant. I feel like I canít trust anyone, not even me. I donít trust myself to support me nor do I trust myself to make the right decision. If I make an even slightly unconventional decision, I need about 85 to tell me that Iím not a complete idiot before Iíll trust my own judgment.

The two above problems are problems that clearly need to end. So, I guess Iím facing them.

Today, while driving home from work, I marveled at myself. I couldnít believe that Iíd actually handed in my resignation. I must have one big set of ovaries.

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Tuesday, May. 15, 2012 at 5:43 PM