My ambitious goal to meditate 20 minutes daily and do more meridian exercises this week didnít pan out. I did do more meditation and more meridian exercises this past week than previous weeks, though.

This new routine, or lack of routine, has thrown me off. I know how to have no time, and to power through my obligations, ticking them off like an auctioneer, flying through my tasks. Having gaps has thrown me off, though. I keep wondering where my time has gone.

Last night, after having spent the day installing two new wall spice racks, reorganizing my cupboards and cleaning my kitchen, buying my school books, updating my software and doing three loads of laundry, I sat down next to Adam, rested my head on his shoulder and said, ďRemember when I thought that Iíd quit my job two months before school started, and Iíd have all this time off? Now Iíd be happy just to get one day off.Ē

So, I guess thatís part of it. Now that I have time, Iím using it for things. Would the world end if my kitchen were disorganized? No, but having an organized kitchen is part of why I needed the change. I wanted to live my life, which means doing un-Earth shattering things like organizing my kitchen.

Having an organized kitchen makes me happy and nothing more to it than that.

I keep remembering that about 15 years ago or so, there was an article or study that kept coming up in random conversations.

It was about how human beings generally have a base-line of happiness and that we tend to not stray too far from that base-line. Meaning, a cranky bastard who wins the lottery will be happy for about 6 months, until he gets used to being rich and then returns to being a cranky bastard. Conversely, if a happy and cheerful person suffers an extreme set-back (such as a spinal cord injury), he will be unhappy for about 6 months, until he accepts his circumstances and then goes back to being a generally happy and cheerful person.

So, this was probably a bunch of pseudo-science that meant nothing, but itís one of those things that stuck in my head. The main reason being that when I go through a melancholy bought, I get worried that I always be haunted by that feeling. Also, when I have a happy bought, that appears to be caused my outside circumstances, I worry that Iíll lose it over time.

Iíve been feeling pretty good since I quit my job and Iím worried that the good feelings are just a temporary high brought on by my new found freedom, and not the genuine happiness of finally being on the correct life path.

I guess time will tell, and if I donít like it, so what? Iíll have yet another existential crisis and itíll drive my life forward again, as such crisisí have the tendency to do.

I have to say, itís rather funny how predictable I am.

Every spring I go through the envious-of-the-short haired, wondering how I stood hair for so long phase. At this time, I usually cut a bunch off and promise myself that I will keep it a manageable length going forward. After all, Iím getting too long in the tooth to be wearing my hair like a mermaid. By the time fall rolls around, Iíll start thinking, ďOn the other hand, long hair can be so pretty, and having long hair has turned into a lost art. Someone needs to keep it going.Ē

This time, I am stopping and thinking before running off to the salon, but thatís mostly because I havenít managed to get there, yet. Hmmmm, so what will happen?

I just realized that Iím still feeling a lot of anxiety over my old job. I was there today. I think part of my anxiety is just a Pavlovian reaction to being in the office. Iíve experienced such intense anxiety for such long periods of time that I canít help having a minor panic attack at the mere thought of going to that office. The other is seeing how things just arenít going well when Iím not there.

Iím hoping that itís because theyíre still seeing me as a crutch. When they know Iím coming in, they know they can leave messes for me, and that they truly could manage if I werenít around. *fingers crossed*

You know, when I was having a lot of anxiety about quitting my job and talking to my reiki teacher a lot about it, one of the most reassuring things she said to me was, ďYouíre one of the most resourceful people I know.Ē That surprised me. Me? Resourceful? Surely she must be thinking of someone else.

Being more hands-on with others at work has shown me just how not resourceful other people can be. Thinking about that has made me realize that, firstly, yes, I am resourceful, but secondly, itís no wonder work has caused me so much anxiety over the years.

Iíve done anything and everything within my power to make sure that client expectations get met. That includes everything from flirting with the IT guy to get unfairly shuffled to the front of the line to breaking into the server room in an attempt to fix problems myself. I can only think of a couple of times when Iíve actually thrown up my hands in exasperation and given up.

Lately, when Iím away from work, I start forgetting that life is often a tough and unkind place and many people are struggling with it. Iím still tumbling, though, like a person who has jumped from a moving car. Iím rolling and tumbling and time has slowed down for me. It feels like itís taking forever for things to finally settle.

When Iím at work, I feel like my pant leg must have gotten caught on the bumper and Iím getting dragged along behind it.

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Wednesday, Jun. 20, 2012 at 11:04 PM