I had an especially vivid dream last night. It was full of longing and fear. I spent the morning questioning my life choices, who I am, why I am, the nature of the universe, and all of that jazz. In the end, after the requisite existential crisis faded, I felt like I had a little better understanding of my psyche.

I�m not sure if that�s the case.

There is one question that really drives me crazy. It has to do with what we call might call intuition, the gut, or instinct. That thing that tells us to turn right, when we know perfectly well that the shortest route is to the left. The little voice that pipes up with, �so-and-so is about to call,� right before the phone rings. Most importantly, it tells you about people. Well, it tells me about people.

I�m not a mind-reader type, I�m a �I understand your nature,� type, and maybe a couple of other things.

The thing is, just like the times when it nudges me to turn right, when I know perfectly well that the shortest route is to the left, the intuition is sometimes in opposition to my knowledge of the world.

Then later, I might discover that there was a 20 car pile up, isolated ice-storm, and 5 old ladies crossing at every intersection using walkers, and against the light, along that shorter route. This is especially likely if I went the �knowledge� route and ignored the �intuition� route. Things like this have led me to think, �Maybe there is something to this whole intuition thing.�

But, sometimes, it doesn�t work out that way. The intuition seems to be wrong, and I change my mind about it, but given time, almost impossibly, it works out to be right. It�s just that my estimation of time was off.

It�s like this whole thing is designed to mess with a person�s head.

It�s given me a bizarre faith, similar to the Christian faith in God, as in, �You don�t have to understand why something happens, just know that it�s working out in the best way possible, because He said so.� Or something like that.

So, when I follow the ol� intuition, and it seems to bite me in the butt, I can either choose to question my intuitive abilities or I can assume that things are working out, but not in the expected way.

Honestly, my intuition has been crap, lately. It seems like the older I get, the fainter it gets, but I think that�s partly because there are things that I take for granted, and they�ve stopped making an impression on me.

Oddly, meditation seems to kill it. You would think that would make it stronger. If I were to guess, maybe it�s less acute after meditation because I�m calmer, and I don�t feel like I need to be on red-alert, all the time, anticipating the next thing that might happen.

This has been coming up for me a lot, lately, because a few years ago, I made a big decision, and I made it by listening to my head, and ignoring my heart. I went with what made sense, and ignored the intuition.

On some level, I believed it didn�t matter, I�d find my way back to my path. I believed it to be inevitable. Now I�m not so sure. Now I think it�s possible to wander the wrong road forever. Forever slogging through 20 car pile-ups, ice storms, and waiting for old ladies, crossing against the light.

So, for the past few years, I�ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop (where the hell does that expression come from, anyway?)

If you�re reading this, and you�re anything like me, you�re thinking to yourself, �Dear God, please just give some specifics, all this vague talk is driving me crazy!�

I am vague because I feel racked with guilt about it. This is why it haunts me even more.

My subconscious betrays me, and brings it back periodically, in dreams. As soon as I wake up, I have the overwhelming feeling that the dream was a sign that I did the wrong thing. Once I�m fully awake, I can rationalize it into something more manageable.

If my intuition is correct, that means I am impatient, cowardly, disloyal and I�ve disrupted my life path, and the life paths of countless others.

If it�s incorrect, it means I�m just crazy.

Of those two options, I most often go with �crazy.� The reason is probably obvious.

I�m writing about it now because I�m hoping that getting it out, at least some of it out, will make me feel a bit better. I guess that�s the whole purpose of diaries, isn�t it?

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