The reason for the sudden stop in daily posts about positive thoughts is because I�d reached the goal. I don�t remember, exactly, if I gave myself a timeline but the guy in the video said that it must be done for 21 days. I went back and counted 21 entries, so I figured that was enough.

I enjoyed the exercise and I got a lot of out of it. I might start up, again, for my own sake, but really, I don�t want to bore people to death, either.

I need to get back on the healing wagon soon. The positive thoughts exercise was nice. It worked ok, but I need to get into the serious energy work and meditation if I expect to get anywhere.

I was just mentioning in a note to someone that our pain will take away our clarity. As a defense mechanism, we�ll put our heads down and plod forward. I imagine that�s a skill that evolution has afforded us. If we sat down and cried every time we were hurt, abused or attacked, our babies would go without heat and food that night. For a woman, especially, who might be risking the safety of her family, if she drove off a man who emotionally abused her but at least offered security.

If you ever find yourself wondering why a woman stays in a bad marriage, it helps to remember that we�re up against thousands of years of evolution and sociology.

But, anyway, I�m dealing with the flip side of the coin. I am planning to cut my ties from the thing that hurts me. I�m finding that the very act of going out of my way to clearly assess my situation on a daily basis is an invitation for pain.

If I do intend to change my circumstances, then autopilot isn�t an option, so I feel every bit of turbulence fully.

I�m not trying to be overly dramatic, but I have been feeling an excessive amount of anxiety during the past couple of months.

Because of that excessive anxiety, I went a long period of time without getting enough sleep. I was having nightmares and panic attacks, which is far from restful. I started beating back the anxiety, and now, as soon as I meditate or try to do energy work, I feel exhausted. I get too tired to even work on myself. I want to sleep longer than usual, too.

I know when I�m feeling balanced because I�ll easily slip into a perfect 7 hour a night sleep schedule. Wanting to sleep more or less than that is the first sign that something is off. By the way, I�m almost never on that balanced schedule. If I can manage it for a few days straight, it�s cause to celebrate.

To get me in the mystical mood, I�ve been consuming media about witches. I�m slowly working my way through Charmed. I like the Rose McGowan seasons way better than the Shannen Doherty seasons, but there�s always been something about Shannen Doherty that rubs me the wrong way. It�s funny how a person�s screen presence will have such a big effect on me, no matter what kind of character he/she is playing.

I won�t even get started about real-life presences. It�s one of those things that I�d like to explore more, but that�s precarious. When I feel repelled by someone, I run the risk of inappropriately expressing my feelings. When I truly enjoy someone�s presence, I run the risk of losing myself (which I do regularly, anyway, in the presence of some people).

Besides, Charmed, I�ve also spent the last week listening to the audiobook version of A Discovery of Witches.

So, yes, lots of fictional magic. I�ve always had a weird attraction to unexplained things, and I lose my footing easily. I had intended that my exposure to these things would help me accept myself and my life goals a little more easily. That worked for a short time, but too much exposure has made me feel unbalanced.

It�s as if I don�t know what is real and what isn�t, anymore, but that might also be the result of my exhaustion catching up with me, too.

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