The thing with the inexplicable crush that was driving me absolutely insane was that in the past, I�ve always been completely indifferent to people I�ve just met. People grow on me over time, that�s how I get to like people. I�ve never been instantly attracted to anyone.

This disturbed me a whole lot. It was too uncharacteristic and too weird.

So, anyway, I told my friend H that this has been going on since August and he nearly passed out. As if I�m some kind of freak to let this go on so long. Maybe I am, but that�s the kind of freak I am. I was good friends with my ex-husband for four years before we tried a romantic relationship.

Poor H is all riddled with jealousy over it, but seems to respect the freakish behavior, anyway.

Since August, I�ve felt like I�ve completely lost my mind. When it�s the other way around, I find these crazy inexplicable attractions to be just as disturbing, especially lately. I just can�t handle people pursuing me, anymore.

At least not to that intensity. I don�t mean people who act sane and friendly towards me. I like those people. I mean people who send me ten page emails about how beautiful I am (several days in a row). Or total strangers who suddenly want to talk to me every damn day. Yeah. It�s harrowing enough to write my thoughts in a diary, let alone be open with some stranger just because he wants me to.

I never felt it was fair to me, and I refuse to do that to someone else. If you�re going to like someone, the least you can do for them is to be sane about it.

Mr. Inexplicable crush has suddenly been around a lot, lately. It�s become a bit more disturbing because the more I get to know him, the more I realize that he�s someone that I would predictably really like. It�s as if I couldn�t have designed someone better to appeal to me.

If he doesn�t like me back, this changes the nature of my premonitions; from prediction of the future (we will be together) to feelings about other people (that�s someone I�d like). At least that�s a bit of a relief. I don�t have to worry so much that there�s something wrong with me psychically. I mean, other than the fact that it�s completely impossible and possibly insane that I believe I have premonitions.

Oh, I think I�ve written this all before, but I can�t remember if I deleted it before or what. I wasn�t sure if background was necessary for this entry.

So, yesterday, the guy goes and invents a new kind of software. You know, because it�s Sunday and I guess he had nothing else to do. It�s a bit of a relief because now I have a tangible reason to like him. It�s also a little sad. If he markets his product, and takes the ingenious-young-man-with-a-high-tech-start-up route, he�ll likely move out of the area.

Actually, I�m feeling strangely content at the moment. I�ve been feeling a bit shattered from my own exhaustion, lately. The work/karate routine takes so much out of me, plus all the other crap in my life. All I did the entire weekend was sleep and clean. I hung out online too long yesterday. Believe it or not, I was so intrigued by his work, I was breathlessly awaiting updates as he wrote it.

Some people are groupies for rock stars. Not me. I hang around software engineers. I�m not sure whether or not that makes me a nerd or what. But, I think Mr. Crush has finally achieved the top spot of the geekiest person I know, which is quite an accomplishment, considering the people I know.

I had to talk to the ex a little bit last night, and I couldn�t help but tease him a bit about it. There�s actually someone in the world that is a bigger geek than him. Of course, he got all competitive about it. I said something like, �is this a competition?� and he backed down, right away. He wouldn�t want to give the impression that he might be trying to impress me or anything.

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