The thing with the inexplicable crush that was driving me absolutely insane was that in the past, Iíve always been completely indifferent to people Iíve just met. People grow on me over time, thatís how I get to like people. Iíve never been instantly attracted to anyone.

This disturbed me a whole lot. It was too uncharacteristic and too weird.

So, anyway, I told my friend H that this has been going on since August and he nearly passed out. As if Iím some kind of freak to let this go on so long. Maybe I am, but thatís the kind of freak I am. I was good friends with my ex-husband for four years before we tried a romantic relationship.

Poor H is all riddled with jealousy over it, but seems to respect the freakish behavior, anyway.

Since August, Iíve felt like Iíve completely lost my mind. When itís the other way around, I find these crazy inexplicable attractions to be just as disturbing, especially lately. I just canít handle people pursuing me, anymore.

At least not to that intensity. I donít mean people who act sane and friendly towards me. I like those people. I mean people who send me ten page emails about how beautiful I am (several days in a row). Or total strangers who suddenly want to talk to me every damn day. Yeah. Itís harrowing enough to write my thoughts in a diary, let alone be open with some stranger just because he wants me to.

I never felt it was fair to me, and I refuse to do that to someone else. If youíre going to like someone, the least you can do for them is to be sane about it.

Mr. Inexplicable crush has suddenly been around a lot, lately. Itís become a bit more disturbing because the more I get to know him, the more I realize that heís someone that I would predictably really like. Itís as if I couldnít have designed someone better to appeal to me.

If he doesnít like me back, this changes the nature of my premonitions; from prediction of the future (we will be together) to feelings about other people (thatís someone Iíd like). At least thatís a bit of a relief. I donít have to worry so much that thereís something wrong with me psychically. I mean, other than the fact that itís completely impossible and possibly insane that I believe I have premonitions.

Oh, I think Iíve written this all before, but I canít remember if I deleted it before or what. I wasnít sure if background was necessary for this entry.

So, yesterday, the guy goes and invents a new kind of software. You know, because itís Sunday and I guess he had nothing else to do. Itís a bit of a relief because now I have a tangible reason to like him. Itís also a little sad. If he markets his product, and takes the ingenious-young-man-with-a-high-tech-start-up route, heíll likely move out of the area.

Actually, Iím feeling strangely content at the moment. Iíve been feeling a bit shattered from my own exhaustion, lately. The work/karate routine takes so much out of me, plus all the other crap in my life. All I did the entire weekend was sleep and clean. I hung out online too long yesterday. Believe it or not, I was so intrigued by his work, I was breathlessly awaiting updates as he wrote it.

Some people are groupies for rock stars. Not me. I hang around software engineers. Iím not sure whether or not that makes me a nerd or what. But, I think Mr. Crush has finally achieved the top spot of the geekiest person I know, which is quite an accomplishment, considering the people I know.

I had to talk to the ex a little bit last night, and I couldnít help but tease him a bit about it. Thereís actually someone in the world that is a bigger geek than him. Of course, he got all competitive about it. I said something like, ďis this a competition?Ē and he backed down, right away. He wouldnít want to give the impression that he might be trying to impress me or anything.

0 comments so far

Monday, Feb. 26, 2007 at 1:22 PM