After this past weekend, I am feeling a little more like myself. The past several weeks, I�ve been looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself but totally unable to determine what had changed. Stress. Tension. Those things change a person�s face in some indiscernible way.

It�s been hard to complain.

I have everything I would have dared to dream to have a year ago.

A job where people actually listen to me.

Growing recognition in the Buddhist community (I wouldn�t have asked for that, but hey, if they�re giving it, I�m not going to ignore it.)

I have someone in my life who really, truly loves me. I know this because his behavior is that of a person who loves another. This is very different from someone who says, �I love you� and then acts like a jackass.

Not only that, but this person who really, truly loves me also wants to build a life with me.

I still have my health.

I get to go out and do the things I love with someone I love.

I am even encouraged to do the solitary things that I enjoy.

Given that, even I deny the negative thoughts and feelings in my own head because I have nothing to complain about.

Today, when I woke up this morning, after a weekend where I fully relaxed, I found myself again. It�s a wonderful, gratifying thing.

I�ve been reading a Buddhist book that had been recommended to me by a few monks, independently. Maybe my expectations were driven too high by all the recommendations, but I�ve been disappointed in the writing. I am even having trouble filtering out the author�s message through all the disorganized, vague, undefined mess that he calls a book.

Are they serious? Is this really the best there is?

Maybe Buddhist writers are like Christian musicians. It�s ok, if you�re dealing with an extremely limited talent pool.

My first thought was that I could do better. Even today, with as little Zen training as I�ve had, I am confident that I could write a better book on the very same topic. I think people have done better. They probably weren�t recognized because they weren�t as old or they were a woman at the wrong time or didn�t study with so-and-so.

I complained to Adam about the writing. He said to me, �Well, not everyone can be a good writer.�

I said, �Of course not! But, if you�re going to write a book��

He added, ��or call yourself a writer?�

He said that maybe someday he and I would write a better book together. I�m not much of a collaborative worker, but it�s possible. It�s a warming thought.

It worries me less than most suggested collaborations.

I know that he writes very well, so I am not worried about how I�ll subtly change every word he�s written when he�s not looking (as I�ve done in previous �collaborative� publications). I also know that he has confidence in my abilities, so I don�t have to worry about him subtly changing every word I�ve written when I�m not looking, either.

At least that�s what I say now. Who knows what it would look like a few thousand words into it.

0 comments so far