I guess it must be the holidays because I�ve been thinking about my family a lot.

Again, I barely slept last night. I was inexplicably tense and anxious, unable to sleep. For many years, tense and anxious was my normal state of being. I didn�t even realize that I was more tense than most people because I�d always been that way.

It wasn�t until I started yoga did I experience relaxation for the first time. That was over five years ago. So, five years after learning what it is to relax, I�m still working on it.

Maybe I�ll fight with anxiety and insomnia the rest of my life. I�d always believed that my problem was purely psychological, but it�s obviously partly physiological, as well.

Of course, I�m human, too. It�s so easy to throw an internal hissy fit when life doesn�t go my way. Then I start obsessing about the why, and create my own anxiety.

The thing that annoys me about myself is that I already know why. That�s life. No one is given a perfect life, and between slightly imperfect, and downright unlivable, there is a huge range of experiences.

I think I probably fall somewhere in the good-to-mid range. I had a traumatic childhood and a bumpy early adulthood, but I�ve also had the luxuries of modern living, usually enough to eat, and full use of my body.

Anyway, in the end, I just feel stupid because then I come to the realization that the world isn�t about me.

I�m finding it almost impossible to stay awake here. Tonight, I�m finally going to get my haircut. I can�t possibly cancel because I�m starting to look like this, except with dark brown hair.

So, when this happens. When I�ve had an unusual amount of stress and anxiety that�s kept me awake a few nights, and then I realize that I�m just being silly, I crash. The adrenaline from the anxiety keeps me going on almost no sleep. Without the anxiety, all I can think about is how much I need to sleep.

If it were just a little quieter here, and I could recline my chair, I�d be asleep right now.

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