I guess it must be the holidays because Iíve been thinking about my family a lot.

Again, I barely slept last night. I was inexplicably tense and anxious, unable to sleep. For many years, tense and anxious was my normal state of being. I didnít even realize that I was more tense than most people because Iíd always been that way.

It wasnít until I started yoga did I experience relaxation for the first time. That was over five years ago. So, five years after learning what it is to relax, Iím still working on it.

Maybe Iíll fight with anxiety and insomnia the rest of my life. Iíd always believed that my problem was purely psychological, but itís obviously partly physiological, as well.

Of course, Iím human, too. Itís so easy to throw an internal hissy fit when life doesnít go my way. Then I start obsessing about the why, and create my own anxiety.

The thing that annoys me about myself is that I already know why. Thatís life. No one is given a perfect life, and between slightly imperfect, and downright unlivable, there is a huge range of experiences.

I think I probably fall somewhere in the good-to-mid range. I had a traumatic childhood and a bumpy early adulthood, but Iíve also had the luxuries of modern living, usually enough to eat, and full use of my body.

Anyway, in the end, I just feel stupid because then I come to the realization that the world isnít about me.

Iím finding it almost impossible to stay awake here. Tonight, Iím finally going to get my haircut. I canít possibly cancel because Iím starting to look like this, except with dark brown hair.

So, when this happens. When Iíve had an unusual amount of stress and anxiety thatís kept me awake a few nights, and then I realize that Iím just being silly, I crash. The adrenaline from the anxiety keeps me going on almost no sleep. Without the anxiety, all I can think about is how much I need to sleep.

If it were just a little quieter here, and I could recline my chair, Iíd be asleep right now.

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Wednesday, Dec. 27, 2006 at 2:07 PM