I absolutely can not stand using aliases in my diary. I canít do it. Every time I do, I feel phony, but at the same time, to post such personal stuff on the internet without changing names seems a bit like inviting problems. Then again, if Iím saying something specific enough to require a name, Iíd think that the situation would be enough of a tip-off, anyway.
Maybe this is because Iíd kept paper journals for so many years, before the internet. If I canít be completely honest, then the whole thing loses itís purpose for me.
This week, I went to my usual meditation sitting and for the first time in months, was actually able to focus properly. I wasnít focusing in any extraordinary way, but I was actually totally focused for small periods of time. I find complete and total concentration so challenging that if I can manage it at all, I feel like Iíve done well.
My shrink once told me that I had a processing disorder that makes it impossible for me to prioritize information. For example, Iíll give a ticking clock the same amount of attention as the person speaking in front of me. While itís true that this happens, Iím not sure if it is the result of a disorder, or just the result of anxiety.
My hearing is better and my vision is sharper than average, as well. Neil told me that this all points to anxiety, not necessarily a processing disorder. My anxiety puts me in a constant state of fight or flight mode, so my senses are always heightened and Iím more aware of every detail.
I actually put a little more stock in Neilís theory than the shrinkís theory because I am capable of turning it off. I learned how through meditation, and when that happens, itís so nice.
Even though Iíve reconciled that I am going to be to processing more than one thing at a time, I donít particularly enjoy it. Itís just not relaxing.
The thermostat in the room at meditation makes this clicking noise right before the heat turns on that I swear is going to give me a heart attack one day. The damn thing clicks, and I react as if a man with a sledge hammer just broke down the door (except, now I know itís just the thermostat clicking, so I donít jump up and start screaming my head off or anything) and as far as I can tell, no one else even hears it.
Anxiety related? Probably.
I really feel like the universe is having a good laugh at me this week. Last week, I finally gave up on the whole inexplicable crush thing. One thing that Iím a bit freaked out about is that Iíve never had a strong premonition go so wrong before. At least, not that I can remember.
Iím not sure if Iím bothered by it or not. My brain is so logical that it would be a bit of a relief to never have to deal with the undefined again. At the same time, it may mean Iím losing an advantage I once had. It also brings up the question, ďWhat the hell happened to me?Ē
Is it like a psychic cold that Iíll get over? Or am I just forever normal now?
Then again, even if I do get rid of the predictions of the future (which was the one useful thing I had), I doubt that Iíll ever manage to get rid of the telepathic connection with my brother.
If anyone is reading this, please know that I am not crazy and I actually work a corporate job, own a home and have two cats (well, maybe that doesnít help my case). I wear almost entirely neutrals, very few patterns, no prints, and do nothing weird with my hair.
Anyway, back to the universe laughing at me.
As it is, I seemed to have slipped off the normal-human continuum again. I feel like Iíve lost all connection to the human species (which was always pretty sketchy to begin with). Other than the annoying thing with my brother who seems to be ruining my life, from Japan.
By that, I mean, he seems pretty lost and is doing a lot of wandering and self-discovery, and Iím ready to move onto the next phase, yet, heís going to be there at least a year. Maybe the problem is that there is so much intense stuff going on with him, itís blocking everything else out. Iím really longing for that week he went to Hawaii.
Iím beginning to think I should bring back the old brother-related entries from around the time he left (if there are any) to see if thereís some kind of pattern that will help me discern something.
Well, I do know that before he left, I expressed some kind of fear that this would happen, but being afraid of it didnít really help me avoid it.
I also had a series of weird coincidences this past week that has me wondering. Wondering what kind of mind-games the universe is trying to play on me.
Anyway, I donít know how to get out of this or fix it. The regular meditation should be holding me together better than it is.
And itís not like you can go to many people and say, ďI think the psychic connection with my brother may be ruining my lifeĒ and get much sympathy. At least not the people I hang around with; the previously mentioned engineers.
I donít know if itís the social stigma or what, but the thought of saying these things out loud makes me feel as if Iím really irrational or delusional.
The only thing that ever helped me regarding this was a book I had gotten at my local library when I lived in Wisconsin. I canít even remember the name of it. It talked about various scientific studies done throughout the ages on ESP.
I can not understand things that are not put into scientific terms, and how often do you find things related to the supernatural in scientific terms?
Well. Maybe I just havenít looked hard enough.
|Monday, Jan. 15, 2007 at 2:57 PM|