Lately, Iíve been in one of those melancholy moods where Iím finding everything so beautiful that I want to cry or inappropriately hilarious.

Also, I donít know what to say without sounding a bit off my rocker. Some normalcy would be good.

Last night, I spoke with him briefly and only complained about my house and car acting up at the same time. Both are things that I couldnít care less about, but I said it, anyway, just for the sake of having something to say. And later, I thought about it and I almost said, ďThe adults at work say that this is a normal part of home ownership.Ē Which is true, and I believe them.

The only problem with that statement is that Iím 30. Iíve been married and divorced; Iíve owned two houses, three cars, four cats and a dog.

Perhaps Iíll consider myself an adult when I can no longer do a cartwheel, which I donít see happening anytime soon.

Anyway, my life has been that mundane, lately. Iíve just been practicing karate, yoga, reading a lot, drawing a lot. Oh, and of course thereís work. You can tell how exciting work must be, since Iím sitting here writing this.

Iíve concluded that I felt at a loss for words last night was because I am not being completely honest with him, and honesty is my normal state of interaction. So, I just donít know what to do with myself when heís around.

Iíve come up with some pretty crazy things that I could be saying, if I were being totally honest, but they are currently going left unsaid, because theyíre crazy.

I had a strange dream about him last night, though. It was very long and detailed, but there is only one part that I consider particularly interesting.

He invented a portable lake. You know, something you can just keep in your pocket and pull out whenever you want a lake.

I came onto his property in the early morning hours, it was quiet, and I assumed everyone was asleep. The lake was out, and I got in and started floating around.

Then suddenly, he jumped in above my head and pulled me out. He pointed out an alligator that he also put in the lake, and told me that it was just about to eat me. The alligator was put in there to guard a giant block of gold that he kept in the lake. Then he showed me the giant block of gold. I noticed that some of the rocks surrounding the gold had become gilded.

Anyway, the dream went on and on. He also invented a tornado that you can keep in your pocket (and take out whenever you want a tornado). He had complete control over it, so it didnít destroy anything.

For some reason, the part about being rescued from his alligator in his lake really stuck with me, even after witnessing the tornado.

At first, I couldnít quite interpret it, but it is starting to come clearer to me now. Whenever I talk with him, it grounds me a bit. It brings me out of all of the pain and confusion that I see as being caused by his very existence.

I do get out more often than I sound like I do. Itís just that all my friends are extremely nerdy.

Iím not being completely dense. I know how silly I am being. I think thatís just part of the human existence. Sometimes we do silly things for unknown reasons. Iím not going to try and pretend thereís any reasonable justification for it, other than the fact that I am a silly human.

I may be causing myself to be a bit too self-obsessed. Thatís definitely not a path that I want to go down. Self-obsession brings my overall quality down as a human being. I become a worse writer, worse artist, worse friend, and even a worse analyst.

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Wednesday, Mar. 07, 2007 at 11:20 AM