Iím not enjoying the cycle Iíve been in lately. I get nearly hysterical, then take the time to calm down, then I get back to work and within a few days, Iím hysterical again.

I am always amazed at the skewed view my reality takes on. Stress does some awful things to ones body.

Last night, I sipped decaf-tea (very important) and watched old episodes from some 90s sit-comís that I used to watch. I love re-runs. Watching a re-run of a series youíve seen many times before is the ultimate in laziness. You donít even have to pay attention to the characters because you already know them. You donít have to worry about watching further episodes because you already know how it ends.

This went very well because Iíd vegged as planned and barely even felt guilty about it.

The other day, I asked a couple of friends why all of my friends are workaholics, and one responded defensively ďI am not a workaholic!Ē While the other said, ďMaybe because youíre a workaholic.Ē

Shocked, I sqawked, ďMe?!Ē He said, ďYou are working, right now, arenít you?Ē

I wasnít at that very moment because at that very moment, I was asking him why my friends are workaholics, but I got the point.

I can feel the effects of stress on my mind and body and I can feel that it is negative.

Itís so hard to stay in contact with the truth of the universe. Even in a low-stress environment. In a high-stress environment, itís impossible.

Iím already feeling tension in my neck today, even though I was at the chiropractor last night. He got a little over-zealous and twisted me up more roughly than usual.

He seemed disappointed that my back was being stubborn in some spots. I was doing my best to keep the tension out of my body, but maybe there was residual tension from the previous couple of days.

He does this weird thing with my leg because I asked him to help me develop more flexibility in the one ankle thatís stiffer than the other. It always hurts, but this time it really, really hurt.

Afterwards, I ended up experiencing a lot of pain and muscle soreness from the release of lactic acid.

Because my stress last night, I wasnít in the mood for speaking to anyone, but David had to get all in my face about how ďawesomeĒ Transformers is. About a week ago, I had told him that it was a total piece of crap, but only because heíd asked. Or maybe not. I was so appalled by the poor quality of everything, except the cgiís, and horrified by what passes for entertainment these days that I was giving my opinion without being asked first.

Itís sort of like how when they first started making movies in color, and out came some cheesy movies that had no value, except being in color. These days, now that color is taken for granted, we see these movies for the cheesiness that they are.

Honestly, I have no problem with people liking things that I donít like or not liking things that I do like. Thatís what makes this world an interesting place. However, his word choice had the undertones of ďthereís something wrong with you because you donít like thisĒ which is something I find intolerable.

I do tend to take things more literally than the rest of the world, but I am getting a little tired of apologizing for how my brain works. And, really, is it so damn hard to disagree with someone without adding an insult?

He finally went and found himself another girl, and this has been a huge relief to me, especially now that heís letting his true personality hang out in front of me. Everything that I suspected about him has turned out to be true. He drives me insane, just as I predicted that he would. Last night, I had to opt to ignore him or else I would have ripped his head off. It was not the best reaction in the world, but Iím quite proud of my self control in this instance.

I will not attribute this to any ESP, itís just one of those things you pick up from subtle clues and no matter now nice a person is to you, a lot can be learned by their dealings with other people.

Much of what that has been said during the past week also confirms my suspicions that he only liked me for superficial reasons. Now the only question is whether or not I want to continue being friends with him, and if so, to what extent?

I wouldnít call him a bad person, just an incredibly naÔve and arrogant one. No one is perfect. I know this. I experience it every day in myself.

I know this entry is going long, butÖ.

The past few days have been odd with mr crush. The reason itís odd is because I havenít actually spoken to him in over a week, but I feel as though itís completely unnecessary.

I sense struggle there, but the struggle that exists is not between me and him, itís in his head. Itís almost like I can feel his brain churning from the other side of the city. What about? Who knows?

Oh, and did I mention that Iím insane?

Yes, several hundred times, probably thousands of times.

Well, it gives me something to do.

Itís a nice break, anyway. It might be a completely artificial break, but then again, this whole struggle is artificial, so I may as well give myself artificial breaks, as well.

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Thursday, Jul. 12, 2007 at 2:54 PM