Second entry of the day.

Neil is online now. I usually have an idea of when he�ll be around and can hunt him down, if necessary.

I haven�t spoken to him. Last week, he emailed to wish me a happy birthday. I thanked him but didn�t leave an opening for much of a reply, unless a person really wanted to reply.

Strange. Since I tend to believe that he only does things for selfish reasons, I thought there would be a reason for him to email me on my birthday. That made me curious, but then when he didn�t take the opportunity to expose his true agenda, that confused me a bit.

Maybe it was just a thoughtful gesture, after all.

Because it�s Friday night, and I don�t have much else to do, I�m letting thoughts race through my head. I always come up with crazy and depressing things on nights like this. I could just go out and do something, but sometimes, I would rather just mope around the house.

I feel like I have a broken heart lurking down in my subconscious somewhere. I�m like that. I�ll hide things from myself. Thank god for meditation.

If my good, nice friends knew I was considering talking to him, they�d tell me that was stupid and not to do it. I don�t know what excuse I have, except that I�d like to know that he�s happy. That�s so unlikely, though. That worries me. If he�s happy, then I can happily go on with my life. If he�s not, then I have the desire to try and make him happy.

He�s chronically unhappy, and this misery of his has an insatiable craving for those around him to be just as unhappy. This is what I think now. At the time, I think I only knew that if I kept trying, that effort would destroy any chance of either of us being happy, as long as we were together.

I�m not all that resilient. Not in an emotional sense. I�ll bounce back to some degree, but obviously not very well. Of course, there�s time. I�m only 31 now, and I expect to live to at least 125.

I have too much desire to avoid making certain mistakes again. So much desire to avoid certain mistakes, I�d rather not do anything at all, than try again.

It was so much easier to devote myself to someone unattainable than to participate in real life. It still is.

I don�t know if that�s it, either. I gave up on mr crush. The phenomenon still concerns me. I don�t know how to look at it. I guess rationally speaking, I can only call it temporary insanity.

Emotionally speaking, it was something else. I wasn�t unhappy at the time. I was starting to become quite satisfied with myself. However, it almost had the same sensation as a cool breeze and drink of water in the middle of the Sahara. Maybe I should say Death Valley, since that�s somewhere I�ve actually been.

It�s taken me nearly a year of concentrated effort (granted, I really don�t see him all that often) for me to remember what he looks like. I�m so overwhelmed by something else when I see him that I can�t even see him.

Outside of something supernatural, my only other conclusion is that I chose this for a reason. My subconscious went through a great effort to brain wash me. If that�s the case, I don�t know why.

Was I really that heartbroken over Neil that I had to hide it from myself and then transfer my affections to some stranger?

I have trouble believing that. By the time I met him, I was starting to discover what it is to be truly at peace with oneself. After I discovered what it was like to be at peace with myself, I discovered something else: It takes great effort to maintain.

Or maybe that�s only the case when you�re new at it, and you�re still learning it. That was my experience, anyway. I learned that if you meditate with one eye on a boy, you don�t get much meditating done. That should be a fortune cookie.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Lots of thinking, thinking, thinking, for 31 years, and I still don�t have any answers.

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