I�m doing ok. I think I�m ok.

Work has been difficult. I don�t think that I�ve been so maliciously attacked without any provocation since junior high. By this, I mean by normal people. I don�t count my parents in that tally.

I�ve had the tendency for most of my life to be my own therapist. Maybe because I always thought professional shrinks were idiots who only spouted the obvious to me.

�You�re depressed�

�You�re in a bad relationship�

Well, duh

Or maybe it�s because I am naturally a better listener than speaker.

I�m ok with sitting myself down and telling myself what I want to hear, or when it�s necessary, telling myself what I don�t want to hear. Sometimes, I just listen to me.

So, how am I?

Surprisingly calm.

I used to fall apart if there was any perceived threat to my ego. A couple of years ago, I�d be desperate to kick something to pieces in karate. I�d train myself to exhaustion, not out of dedication, but out of fear of what I�d do if I didn�t continually keep myself in a state of complete lack-of-energy.

You can train yourself in more than one way. It�s entirely possible to have something happen to you that is usually labeled as a �negative experience,� but not experience it negatively.

Basically, I know I�m going to die someday. Yeah. It�s weird how life always comes down to that. I know I�m going to die someday. My time here is finite. How do I want to spend my finite time here?

Do I want to spend it not seeing the sky, which is arguably the most gorgeous thing to the human eye, just because I�m worried about someone else�s delusions?

Do I want to ignore my loved ones because I�m too nervous to speak to anyone?

Do I want to refrain from activities that I love because I�m too down to enjoy them?

Not really.

In the end, it doesn�t really matter. In the end, the result is the same. No matter what you do; cry or not cry, yell or not yell, laugh or not laugh, you are going to end up in the same place.

Anyway, I know that deep down in our subconscious, that�s always there. In the past when I freaked out about things, I was freaking out for the same reason: my time is finite. I always thought it was because he did that to me, and she did this to me, etc.

No. I was freaking out because life is too short to feel bad, and I thought other people were robbing me of feeling good.

However, since then, I�ve learned that I control how I feel. I decide whether or not I�m going to waste my time feeling bad. I decide how much and for how long I�ll let people influence my sphere of existence.

With the contentment that buys me, I can expand my awareness.

It�s not just that my life is finite. Everyone�s life is finite. I can�t control how they feel, but I�ll never intentionally rob them of anything.

That�s the thing that does matter. In the end, when you�re buried. The one thing that matters is how you treated people when you were alive. It matters because those people will continue to live after you�ve died.

In the past, I�ve also had the tendency to trip myself up a lot, too. If I can�t make myself feel good, then I feel guilty for not feeling good. But, I�ve also since realized that feeling bad is part of the definition of human. Sometimes you feel bad. We live in a relative world. We can�t even imagine good without the ability to compare it to a bad.

So, I�ve decided that I also want bad to be part of my finite experience. I mean, I don�t go around looking for bad. Don�t worry. It finds me. You don�t have to feel like I�m being neglected in the bad area. Trust me.

This entry brought to you by:

-A coworker who loathes me

-The work that must be done, anyway

-A broken washing machine

-A finished basement was finished around the washer. So, a wall has to be removed to replace it. Yay.

-4 angry, fighting cats

-Stressed out boyfriend

-A house in total disarray (lack of order really stresses me out)

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