This entry is two days old. I forgot to post it earlier this week.

I went to see the acupuncturist again yesterday. I felt tired and headachy. He took my pulse and said that I was extremely agitated and stressed out. I remembered being a bit agitated earlier in the day, especially because I woke up feeling crappy.

Iím just going to assume that my crankiness and feeling crappy is associated with all the ďbad energyĒ coming out because of all the energy work Iíve been doing, lately. I do feel less out of control, but not in a better mood.

I think that I am satisfied with the general big picture of my life, but I find the day-to-day very unsatisfying. So, how do I make the day-to-day better? I need to at least get well enough to be able to assess the situation.

Sunday evening, after the reiki class, I came home feeling drained but glad that I had this new tool in hand. I offered Adam a full reiki treatment. He took my offer and once he got over the initial amazement, he fell asleep. The next morning, he said he felt really, really good, much clearer and happier.

I felt tired and crappy, and apparently agitated, according to the acupuncturist. After he mentioned it, it came to surface and I was thinking, ďYeah, I AM agitated!Ē and continued to feel even more agitated. The fact that it came to the surface is probably so much better for my stress level, but so bad for interpersonal relationships.

I think I am moving in the right direction, but slowly. I didnít lose all my energy over night, so it makes sense that I wonít build it back up instantly, either.

My reiki teacher warned against giving reiki when youíre not feeling well, yourself. She implied that it meant that the person getting treated would get short changed (youíd get the energy and theyíd get none) but that didnít happen with me. It seems that what happened mirrored exactly happens in my regular, daily life. I over extend myself and then break into tiny, little pieces.

One positive and tangible change is that Iíve hardly been sick this fall. I got one mild cold earlier this month and it was hardly anything. This is so much better than last fall, where I spent nearly the entirety of November and December in bed. That long bought of illness is what really broke me. I got so angry and depressed.

I am not entirely sure, but I think my stress level has improved, too. I think that itís been gradual enough that I canít tell, exactly.

During acupuncture, I was freezing while I was lying there, letting the needles work, and so I started reiking myself. It was my only option for getting warmer. After acupuncture, I usually feel way worse, and then slowly swing back in the other direction. Last night, I tried to give myself a longer reiki session to try and sooth the badness, but I kept falling asleep.

My right ankle started heating up. Itís been weak this past year. I normally donít remember it, but I feel it when Iím hiking or in karate, when Iím putting a lot of pressure on it. If nothing else, at least my ankle was getting something, but I donít know about the rest of me.

I emailed a lady I met through my reiki teacher who also went through level 1 to ask her if sheís interested in a reiki exchange. She responded positively, so maybe weíll get together this week.

Iím still very confused and curious and not really sure what to think. The fact that I was able to conclude, without a doubt, that something was happening, despite it being totally intangible, feels like a dream.

I want to keep trying.

Adam said that during that hour long treatment on Sunday evening, he felt like he was going to cry. Shocked, I asked him why, and he said it was because he was covered with a thick blanket, and he could still feel the intense heat through it. He was so astounded by that, that he became emotional. I guess that was the instant when he went from merely being ďopen-mindedĒ to being convinced.

My theory is that itís because the heat is not coming from the reiki channel. Itís being generated in the person receiving the reiki. Thatís why it feels so intense and thatís why it appears to go ďthroughĒ things. Iím not sure itís actually heat, either. I think we may sense a change that we perceive as heat because we donít have another way of defining it.

The other day, I was telling Adam how itís interesting that in most aspects of (American) peopleís lives, they wonít accept anything unless itís rational or scientifically proven. The only exception is in their love lives, in which, they donít just accept magic, but they actually demand it. Love is not love unless is ďmagical,Ē and anything else ďmagicalĒ is just hogwash.

While I was sitting here, I turned my head and my neck made a sound like it was just about to snap in two. Ah, stress, my old enemy, back again. Considering how stressful and difficult all of our lives are, why are we so harsh with ourselves?

Why do we set up parameterís within which weíre destined to fail?

Why are we so inflexible that we insist that everything either has to be good for everyone or bad everyone, as if weíre all robots, built to the exact same specifications?

Itís so funny, but we were out to dinner with our friend Christine, who just came back from Bhutan (she had a fantastic time, by the way). When I told her about reiki, she was simultaneously disbelieving, but was enthusiastic about giving it a try.

She is someone who truly believes thereís room for every kind of perspective and lifestyle. The one thing that she seems to be adamant and inflexible about is that itís ok to be different. She wants everyone to agree that itís ok to be different. As you can imagine, in most cases, sheís not entirely successful.

Thankfully, Iím not naturally a judger. I never have been. That is the one innate thing about me that isnít a struggle.

The reason I say that is that people who tend to be judgers seem to lead a much harder lives. Things are always going against their judgment, and they either have to try to force it to go their way or pretend it doesnít exist.

Maybe Iím a judger and I think Iím not, which would be the worst kind of judger.

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Thursday, Dec. 10, 2009 at 10:32 PM