I started this entry early in the week (around Tuesday?), but I never finished it.

Thinking, thinking, thinking. I�ve wanted to write for the past few days, but I haven�t had the time. This is why having a job is totally counterproductive (except in the money making aspect of life).

Just a couple of minutes ago, I was listening to an old interview on Fresh Air with David Sedaris. I love his writing, but I don�t think I�d be able to stand him in person. I realized this when he was talking about his obsession with spiders.

The first time I heard that interview, I thought the spider thing was a joke. I thought it was hilarious the way Terri Gross kept the joke going by humoring him, and us. I forgot about it, but since hearing that interview for the first time, I read the book in which he talks about his obsession with spiders. This time around, I knew he wasn�t joking. When he was talking about spending six (SIX!!) hours of his day catching flies to feed to the spiders, all I could think was, �JESUS CHRIST!! How does his boyfriend stand it?!�

OCD makes me nervous. Adam has OCD, it�s not terrible, but it�s there. There are things about Adam that cause me to have this occasional thought; �There is something seriously wrong with this guy.� And, he�s done nothing that�s remotely even same realm as spending 6 hours catching flies to feed to spiders.

Adam has habits and ideas that I never suspected any person could possibly have, before I knew him. I don�t say this because he�s so incredibly bizarre. I say this because that�s how na�ve and narrow-minded I am, sometimes. I�m not against most ideas. It�s just that most ideas don�t occur to me.

That�s the nature of intimacy. When you hear about people showing each other their warts, this is what they�re talking about. At first, I was all shocked by his warts, but over the past year or so, I�ve been thinking, �Here�s a relatively intelligent, well-meaning, well-educated, optimistic, ethical kind of guy, from a nice background (which makes people a lot wartier than you�d think), and these are his warts. Can you even imagine the warts of the people that I dislike on sight?! Those people probably have warts the size of Canada.�

The other day, while looking at my google news feed, I saw some blog entry/article about how the happy marriage is the �me� marriage. I clicked on it and skimmed it, and I don�t really remember what it said. However, I think I did find it refreshing that the author focused more on the goal of a happy union, rather than a union that lasts. It seems like the media is so focused on whether or not a marriage lasts. Some people might even measure the success of a marriage by how long it lasts. These days, when you don�t have to marry for survival, doesn�t it make more sense to measure the success of a marriage by how happy it is?

Anyway, that wasn�t the focus of the article, but I did appreciate that part. The other thing is that it reminded me of that co-dependency book I mentioned a few entries ago.

I realized that I really don�t focus enough on me. I know that comparatively, I focus more on me than a lot of women do, but I�m not going to go into that. I think it has to do with socialization, sexism and religion, but that�s as far as I�ll talk about it.

I think the point is, self-sacrifice sounds like the path to happiness, and I agree, it is, to a certain extent. If we focus on others, that will lead us to be less narcissistic. That should lead us to a state of grace in which we constantly identify ourselves as being no different from the whole. When we don�t differentiate ourselves from the whole, we are happy to serve the whole, because serving the whole means we�re serving us. However, ego plays a huge role in creating desires for things that will only benefit us individually.

Maybe it�s the times, but it�s almost impossible to escape ego. We want individuality, and we want that individual to be respected. We want that individual to be treated fairly, too.

Despite the desire to be a fairly-treated individual, so many people still feel guilty about that desire.

I do a lot for myself, but my brain betrays me a lot, too. Despite me setting up my life to be as me-centric, as possible, I still plan my happiness around others. I�ll still serve as though I believe that there is no difference between me and the whole, but when others don�t serve in the same way, I�m disappointed.

Which, when you think about it, isn�t service, at all. Resentment, anger, bitterness; that doesn�t do anything for anyone. It doesn�t even really matter if the relationship is unbalanced or not. The thing that matters is whether or not one person in the relationship feels as though the relationship is unbalanced. What is the point of a person serving in a practical sense, if that only invites poisonous feelings, that will ruin it for everyone?

So, I might feel guilty for not serving sometimes, but that guilt is so much easier to deal with than righteous indignation. Righteous indignation has got to be the most poisonous emotion, in a relationship. It�s almost impossible to control, and it will kill any chances of feeling any true devotion to that person.

Being all human and stuff, I don�t always have the choice of giving selflessly. When that option isn�t there, I have the choice between giving and expecting reciprocation (with potential disappointment, bitterness, anger, etc), or just not giving, and dealing with the guilt (which can fade quickly, as long as it�s not fed).

Now, in my case, I do actually have the choice. If I don�t sacrifice, no one is going to run out and spend all my rent money on drugs. My house isn�t going to fall into ruin. My cats aren�t going to starve to death.

It�s more likely that the laundry will have to wait another day or the dishes won�t get done immediately. Adam won�t get to spill his guts when something is bothering him, or seek my advice every time he has an issue with a student, colleague, professor or paper. He�ll have to figure out on his own, and I�ll have to give up control. I�ll have to be ok with not problem solving and making things �right� (in my view).

This is something that I�ve known for awhile, but also something that I have to remind myself over and over again.

Anyway, that was from earlier this week. I cleaned it up a bit and finished a few thoughts, but that was the jist.

Now, I can move on.
Last weekend, I ordered a Kindle. Since then, I�ve been obsessed with it, and it hasn�t even come, yet. It�s expected to arrive sometime next week, but I�ve been breathlessly awaiting it�s arrival with so much fervor, that I�m beginning to feel like I�ve been waiting an eternity.

People gave me a lot of grief for this Kindle thing, too. As though it�s some kind of sin. People who aren�t even regular readers seem to have some sort of reverence for physical books, like they are sacred in some way. It also seems like people who do not read for pleasure are resentful toward people who do.

Like, we�re dancing around singing, �I looooooooooooooooooove going to the dentist! I never miss a cleaning!�

But, in actuality, there isn�t anything inherently more ethical about reading, than anything else. It doesn�t even give you sparkling teeth and a nice smile.

I don�t try to achieve any kind of moral high ground through the media that I consume. I almost exclusively watch fluff, when it comes to TV and movies. When Adam and I are looking at our netflix settings, I�m the one saying, �Who put �cerebral� in the taste settings?! Ugh! I don�t want that!�

And no, I�m not afraid that it makes me appear less intellectual or that my brain is going to fall apart.

I read a lot as a kid because it was an escape and I didn�t have many other options. I didn�t watch TV because that meant I was exposed and vulnerable. A person can hide anywhere and read a book. I didn�t have the money or guidance to get into other tween things, like clothes, hair or make-up, but I could spend 25 cents on a paperback from a rummage sale or Goodwill.

As a result, I�m a fast reader. I have a hard time making my books last. The Philadelphia library system drives me crazy, so I don�t use it. I feel guilty about buying a lot of books because of killing trees, and I don�t have the space to store them, anyway. I am not comfortable with giving them away because I do like to read books more than once (sometimes 3 or 4 times).

Given that situation, it only makes sense that I would buy a Kindle. Why didn�t I buy one sooner? The reason is obvious; I felt guilty about that, too. It felt like too much of an indulgence. Too much, dedicated solely to me and my desire.

I feel like reading is my one desired activity that only benefits me. If I�m doing something active, like hiking, dancing or snowboarding, I am doing something I enjoy, but I�m also getting fitter and socializing. Which, in my mind, getting fitter and socializing are always on my �need to do� list, not on my �guilty pleasure� list. The above activities are ways that I can combine enjoyment with obligation.

Reading does not make me fitter, nor is it a very social activity (although, I joined goodreads, which is a social network for readers).

I wasn�t sure if e-readers would last, either. Could I be sure that there would be e-books for me to read in the future?

Now e-readers are becoming common and cheap enough that it doesn�t feel like an over-the-top indulgence. Now it feels like it just makes practical sense.

And now, all I do is count the minutes until my �estimated delivery date� arrives. It�s estimated to arrive on January 11.

I was planning to write something about dance is going. Last night, walking from the car to the house, I felt pain in my right knee. It was sudden and intense, almost as if I had a Nancy Kerrigan experience, but without the actual crowbar (Was it a crowbar? I don�t feel like looking it up).

I don�t know what happened. As the evening went on, my knee started to swell and throb (like a ghost injury). I iced it and took advil.

I guess this means no zumba and no dance, this week.

I do happen to already have an appointment with a sports medicine doctor because I injured my right foot snowboarding a couple of weeks ago (not bad enough for me to curb my regular activity). Maybe it�s related, maybe it�s not. Maybe, rather than seeing the sports medicine doctor, I should have made an appointment with an orthopedist.

Maybe this is the universe�s way of getting me to do more yoga?

Of course, on FB, all my friends are setting statuses about working out, sledding and playing their team sports today. I�m stuck in bed with a knee that can barely bend.

At least I have books.

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