Tonight, Iím teaching another yoga class. Iím looking forward to it.

Iíve been meditating fairly consistently for the past couple of weeks, mostly very short sessions (15-20 minutes).

Lately, Iíve been finding that I get angry quickly, and I canít suppress it, at all. I havenít gotten angry very often, but when I have, itís been uncontrollable. I think the meditation has something to do with it. Things are coming out. Again.

I donít know what Iím angry about. Obviously, Iím not really angry about the things that trigger my temper, but I donít know what Iím really angry about.

In the past, when bad things have happened to me, Iíd get sad, upset, depressed, even frustrated, but rarely angry. Iím tempted to believe that before, I couldnít get in touch with my anger, or if I did, I was afraid of it, so Iíd repress it.

If Iím ever going to feel free and content, it has to come out, right? But, how much is in there?

I find it rather disturbing. Feeling disturbed by own behavior leads to shame and self-hatred, which is another one of those things that can lurk in the subconscious and come out in undesirable ways.

All I really wanted was to be more relaxed. My anxiety level has been killing me over the past couple of years, and this time around, when I went to renew my meditation practice, I wasnít looking to do anything, but be calmer.

So, I hope that over time, that will happen, too. I am feeling calmer, in some ways, but I still havenít gotten where I want to be.

In two and a half weeks, Iíll have my vacation, when my brother comes.

All of our plans are still up in the air. Heís been indecisive about things, and Iíve been laying out the facts as honestly as I can, but not putting any pressure on him to make any decisions. There are a lot of unforeseen complications regarding his time here, such as, heís leaving for Wisconsin sooner than I expected. Heíll be here over 4th of July weekend, Adamís parents will be in NYC, visiting friends and family, the same week, and if we want to see them, we have to plan around their schedule, too.

Iím still looking forward to the vacation. Either way, I wonít be working, so Iím satisfied.

My dance and exercise routines have been good, lately. My dance studio, where I take zumba has added a bunch more zumba classes, because itís so popular. This helps me a lot, because now, nearly every day, there is a class I can take. Itís a lot easier to fit it into my schedule.

Iíve been taking a ladies styling class on Sundayís. Styling refers to the fancy footwork and hand gestures that are done without the aid of a partner. In salsa, theyíre thrown in here or there, to spice up the dance.

I didnít think Iíd like the woman who teaches styling. Iíd seen her perform a few times, and while technically correct, I find that she lacks that certain something that makes someone a great dancer. Somehow, that translated into me thinking that I wouldnít like her as a dance instructor.

In class, I do like her a lot, though. Sheís decent at explaining things, not fantastic, but itís rare to find an artist who is fantastic at explaining their art, especially when itís something as visual as dance. I donít fault her for that, and besides, sheís sweet and encouraging, which is just as important, if not more so.

Iíve been going for about a month, but I donít know how consistent Iíll be, since the class is on a Sunday morning, and thatís an iffy time, for me.

Since the new zumba classes have been added, they also added some new instructors. I tried one out, and I thought she was only so-so. I went back, yesterday, thinking that I would try a different new instructor, but it turned out that the first one was teaching, again. The second time around, I liked her a lot better. The routine wasnít any different, but she was much higher energy.

I asked her about her first full week of teaching zumba, and she explained to me that the nights where sheís had to teach two classes in a row have been tough, possibly as a way to offer an explanation to me about the first class I attended, where I wasnít incredibly impressed.

The owner of the dance studio is in training to teach zumba, too. I think Iíve taken a salsa class or two from her before, a long time ago. As long as Iíve been a regular at the dance studio, she has been pregnant or tending to a newborn, so she wasnít teaching classes. Previously a professional dancer, sheís made a vow to get her old body back. Iíve seen her old body on posters, and having that body in the first place is not a privilege most people get.

She was also in zumba, yesterday, co-teaching. It was the first time I really interacted with her. Itís kind of nice to know a little bit about the person who is getting my money every month.

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Monday, Jun. 13, 2011 at 4:48 PM