Yesterday I woke up feeling like Iíd aged 50 years over night. My back was achy to the point where it hurt to breathe. The pain radiated out my front and up my spine to my head. I felt groggy and dizzy. I have no idea where it came from.

In the morning, Adam handed me some Tylenol, which took care of most of the headache. He, very generously, gave me a solid hour of reiki, maybe more. I really wasnít keeping track of time, but it made me feel much better. Towards the end of the evening, the pain started coming back and he asked me if Iíd taken any Advil.

Advil, the best friend of any aging pseudo-athlete, and it never even occurred to me to take it. In my hazy, groggy pain, I simply forgot such an option existed.

Next thing I knew, two Advil and a cup of water were in my hands. I downed them, and within 20 minutes, I was feeling better.

This morning, Iím feeling semi-normal. The back pain is totally gone, but Iím exhausted. I kept jolting out of sleep last night, woken up by an intense feeling of dread.

I donít know if I mentioned it before, but about a year ago, I signed Adam up for the first reiki training with my teacher. He took the training willingly, but with certain things, especially when it comes to self-care, he needs a lot of encouragement. While reiki is used to heal others, the healerís first priority is to heal his/herself. Because Iím such a mess, Iím almost never in good enough shape to offer healing to anyone else, and I wanted him to have the option of healing himself, too.

Heís not a natural healer, but then again, neither am I, but experience and practice counts for a lot, which is true for a lot of things.

I think he is a natural nurturer, though, to the extent that he has a strong desire to be nurturing, even if there are many times when he has no clue what a person needs. Yesterday showed that he has come a long way. Early in our relationship, my state would have only resulted in him pacing around and asking me what I need, which would just make me nervous. I donít think clearly when Iím feeling bad, and even less clearly when someone is making me nervous, on top of it, so it was very unlikely that Iíd come up with a coherent answer.

I spent most of yesterday reading a new novel called Russian Winter about a Bolshoi ballerina. Saturday night, we happened to watch Maoís Last Dancer, which is about a Chinese male ballet dancer. It was a total coincidence. I liked the movie (and it was based on a book), so I added it to my ďto-readĒ list.

Iím enjoying the book, so far, even if the writing is a little bit tedious sometimes. I try not to be too judgmental about that, though.

That had become an issue with me and art, years ago, when I was in school. I had become overly attuned to judgment, and I lost my ability to appreciate art. I think that happens to many people who study something they love. They know it too well, and it becomes like a romantic relationship after the infatuation has worn off. Those quirks that were so adorable in the beginning have turned into something that inspires one to want to smash the otherís head in.

I think weíve all experienced that on some level. So, later in life, when weíre older and wiser, we can adjust ourselves accordingly. So, being overly familiar with something grows into a deeper appreciation for it, rather than stabbing eye pain.

I have since turned things around art-wise. I went from having specific tastes, to having even more specific tastes, to becoming so specific, that nearly nothing was included, to hating everything. It took me a few years, but I got over that, now my tastes are even wider than they were before I studied art. Iíve learned an appreciation for nearly everything. It all fits into a giant mosaic, it fills a purpose.

I had to get over it, really, because whenever I visited an art museum, it was like seeing an ex-lover that I never got over. I simultaneously experienced annoyance, anger, longing, affection and heartbreak. I didnít want to have that kind of relationship with something that has a house in every major city in the world.

Anyway, Iím not planning on doing that psychological battle when it comes to the written word. Itís my intention to widen my horizons without becoming so judgmental that I canít appreciate something for what it is.

Oops, and I just realized that I have to go teach a yoga class now.

1 comments so far

Monday, Aug. 01, 2011 at 4:58 PM