The reason for the sudden stop in daily posts about positive thoughts is because Iíd reached the goal. I donít remember, exactly, if I gave myself a timeline but the guy in the video said that it must be done for 21 days. I went back and counted 21 entries, so I figured that was enough.

I enjoyed the exercise and I got a lot of out of it. I might start up, again, for my own sake, but really, I donít want to bore people to death, either.

I need to get back on the healing wagon soon. The positive thoughts exercise was nice. It worked ok, but I need to get into the serious energy work and meditation if I expect to get anywhere.

I was just mentioning in a note to someone that our pain will take away our clarity. As a defense mechanism, weíll put our heads down and plod forward. I imagine thatís a skill that evolution has afforded us. If we sat down and cried every time we were hurt, abused or attacked, our babies would go without heat and food that night. For a woman, especially, who might be risking the safety of her family, if she drove off a man who emotionally abused her but at least offered security.

If you ever find yourself wondering why a woman stays in a bad marriage, it helps to remember that weíre up against thousands of years of evolution and sociology.

But, anyway, Iím dealing with the flip side of the coin. I am planning to cut my ties from the thing that hurts me. Iím finding that the very act of going out of my way to clearly assess my situation on a daily basis is an invitation for pain.

If I do intend to change my circumstances, then autopilot isnít an option, so I feel every bit of turbulence fully.

Iím not trying to be overly dramatic, but I have been feeling an excessive amount of anxiety during the past couple of months.

Because of that excessive anxiety, I went a long period of time without getting enough sleep. I was having nightmares and panic attacks, which is far from restful. I started beating back the anxiety, and now, as soon as I meditate or try to do energy work, I feel exhausted. I get too tired to even work on myself. I want to sleep longer than usual, too.

I know when Iím feeling balanced because Iíll easily slip into a perfect 7 hour a night sleep schedule. Wanting to sleep more or less than that is the first sign that something is off. By the way, Iím almost never on that balanced schedule. If I can manage it for a few days straight, itís cause to celebrate.

To get me in the mystical mood, Iíve been consuming media about witches. Iím slowly working my way through Charmed. I like the Rose McGowan seasons way better than the Shannen Doherty seasons, but thereís always been something about Shannen Doherty that rubs me the wrong way. Itís funny how a personís screen presence will have such a big effect on me, no matter what kind of character he/she is playing.

I wonít even get started about real-life presences. Itís one of those things that Iíd like to explore more, but thatís precarious. When I feel repelled by someone, I run the risk of inappropriately expressing my feelings. When I truly enjoy someoneís presence, I run the risk of losing myself (which I do regularly, anyway, in the presence of some people).

Besides, Charmed, Iíve also spent the last week listening to the audiobook version of A Discovery of Witches.

So, yes, lots of fictional magic. Iíve always had a weird attraction to unexplained things, and I lose my footing easily. I had intended that my exposure to these things would help me accept myself and my life goals a little more easily. That worked for a short time, but too much exposure has made me feel unbalanced.

Itís as if I donít know what is real and what isnít, anymore, but that might also be the result of my exhaustion catching up with me, too.

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Thursday, Mar. 08, 2012 at 4:17 PM