It�s funny to me how long it takes me between entries now. I used to be a 2-3 entry a day girl. Of course, that was way back when I really needed it. When I felt like I needed something or someone, anything, really, to hold my hand daily, even if it was nothing more than a complex configuration of 1s and 0s.

I can�t believe I didn�t write an entry after I told him. I told the guy that I�d been obsessing over him and all the circumstances that had created this weird situation. He told me things that I suspected from the beginning, which is why I never felt it was appropriate to go forward. But, at that moment, I realized that I wasn�t looking for anything romantic.

I called it a crush because everyone I knew called it a crush, but it�s not that. It�s just the way people are, if they don�t understand something, they put it in a category that they do understand, so they don�t have to be perplexed about it.

At that moment, I realized that I got exactly what I needed. I just needed to be honest. It goes against the grain of my personality too much to not be fully honest and straight-forward. Heck, I can barely handle the occasional metaphor.

I thought I was being so brave and heroic by keeping my mouth shut, turning myself into a martyr, again. For what?

So, for the past couple of weeks, I�ve come back to being honest again. It�s an absolute luxury and self-indulgence, but it�s more important than anything else in the world. What am I saying if I�m dishonest about who I am for the sake of other people? I�m telling myself that I�m not good enough.

What�s the point of even living if you�re not going to believe that you�re worth being honest for?

Well, anyway, enough of that lecture.

I went to another meditation retreat this past weekend, and I had an odd experience. Well, Saturday was completely miserable because I had a cold and instructor wanted to do all these breathing exercises. First one nostril than the next. Yeah, that totally wasn�t happening.

Sunday went better. A little bit of breathing, but nothing too intense, and my sinuses were better, anyway.

The very last meditation was a guided meditation for healing. Which was nice and everything, but at the very end, he asked us to pray for, wish for the benefits we�ve received this weekend to go to someone we know. Now that I think about it, that was a remarkably powerful experience, and you can guess who I chose.

So, the man rings the bell, as is the tradition to end Buddhist meditation, and he starts talking, except, I can�t get out of the meditation. I�m stuck in this altered state of awareness. He rang the bell, I put my hands together, I bowed, and then I looked up towards the sky (or where the sky would be, if I were outdoors... more like the horizon). My eyes wouldn�t even focus on what was in front of me.

When I finally managed to shake it off and turn my attention to him, I look at him and he�s looking at me, and there are tears in his eyes.

I don�t know if it was related to me or something else. I mean, I was totally not myself at that moment, so I have no clue of what actually transpired.

Since it�s warmed up a bit, I�ve been able to spend a little more time outdoors, but not as much as I�d like. I need to get back to it because the winter has softened me up enough where I believe I�m in danger of becoming a chubby little girl, and I can�t have that.

Karate just doesn�t work if you�re not in the best shape possible; at least, not my style of karate. Since I was sick last week, I missed two days and now I feel like a total sloth.

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