Itís funny to me how long it takes me between entries now. I used to be a 2-3 entry a day girl. Of course, that was way back when I really needed it. When I felt like I needed something or someone, anything, really, to hold my hand daily, even if it was nothing more than a complex configuration of 1s and 0s.
I canít believe I didnít write an entry after I told him. I told the guy that Iíd been obsessing over him and all the circumstances that had created this weird situation. He told me things that I suspected from the beginning, which is why I never felt it was appropriate to go forward. But, at that moment, I realized that I wasnít looking for anything romantic.
I called it a crush because everyone I knew called it a crush, but itís not that. Itís just the way people are, if they donít understand something, they put it in a category that they do understand, so they donít have to be perplexed about it.
At that moment, I realized that I got exactly what I needed. I just needed to be honest. It goes against the grain of my personality too much to not be fully honest and straight-forward. Heck, I can barely handle the occasional metaphor.
I thought I was being so brave and heroic by keeping my mouth shut, turning myself into a martyr, again. For what?
So, for the past couple of weeks, Iíve come back to being honest again. Itís an absolute luxury and self-indulgence, but itís more important than anything else in the world. What am I saying if Iím dishonest about who I am for the sake of other people? Iím telling myself that Iím not good enough.
Whatís the point of even living if youíre not going to believe that youíre worth being honest for?
Well, anyway, enough of that lecture.
I went to another meditation retreat this past weekend, and I had an odd experience. Well, Saturday was completely miserable because I had a cold and instructor wanted to do all these breathing exercises. First one nostril than the next. Yeah, that totally wasnít happening.
Sunday went better. A little bit of breathing, but nothing too intense, and my sinuses were better, anyway.
The very last meditation was a guided meditation for healing. Which was nice and everything, but at the very end, he asked us to pray for, wish for the benefits weíve received this weekend to go to someone we know. Now that I think about it, that was a remarkably powerful experience, and you can guess who I chose.
So, the man rings the bell, as is the tradition to end Buddhist meditation, and he starts talking, except, I canít get out of the meditation. Iím stuck in this altered state of awareness. He rang the bell, I put my hands together, I bowed, and then I looked up towards the sky (or where the sky would be, if I were outdoors... more like the horizon). My eyes wouldnít even focus on what was in front of me.
When I finally managed to shake it off and turn my attention to him, I look at him and heís looking at me, and there are tears in his eyes.
I donít know if it was related to me or something else. I mean, I was totally not myself at that moment, so I have no clue of what actually transpired.
Since itís warmed up a bit, Iíve been able to spend a little more time outdoors, but not as much as Iíd like. I need to get back to it because the winter has softened me up enough where I believe Iím in danger of becoming a chubby little girl, and I canít have that.
Karate just doesnít work if youíre not in the best shape possible; at least, not my style of karate. Since I was sick last week, I missed two days and now I feel like a total sloth.
|Tuesday, May. 08, 2007 at 1:33 PM|