I meant to post this entry on Wednesday, but I didn't get around to it until today.
My fortune seemed to take a downturn on Sunday morning. Saturday, Adam had left to go to the monastery. There are no electronic devices allowed and I knew that with the time-difference, heíd be entering the place around midmorning Sunday, my time.
That meant that my last chance to get a phone call from him would be Sunday morning. When I woke up, I realized that I had left my phone in my car (and I only have a cell). I attempted to rush down the stairs, but instead fell down them. I didnít just fall down one or two stairs. I plunged the entire length of the staircase.
I immediately felt hideously deprived because the one person I could look to for comfort was 3,000 miles away and I may have missed his call. That feeling only lasted about 15 seconds as I stood and realized that I was relatively unhurt.
I could say that my fortune was good here, but considering the kind of shape Iím in, I should be able to survive a from the top of a tallish mountain.
He called about a half hour later. We only spoke for a minute or two. He told tell me that he had arrived safely and he was waiting for the monks to pick him up.
I didnít even bother mentioning the fall, but I ached the rest of the day while catching up on some long overdue housework.
Monday, I was harassed by dozens of emails for the various organizations and projects where I have somehow ended up having a leadership role. Sitting was uncomfortable because of the huge bruise on my right butt cheek. And, oh yeah, I was doing that regular job thing, too, right?
The entire day, I got three non-business emails, total. One came from a random guy asking me if he could pose nude for me, one from another random guy just wanting to introduce himself to me, and one from Ryan. At first, he was asking me questions about one of the groups I lead, of which he is a member (that he could have easily answered himself if he had read what I had posted originally). But, he followed it up with a rhetorical question about the internet, which I assume was meant to be friendly.
Apparently, in "Lonely Desperate Man Weekly" an article ran about how my boyfriend is out of town and I might be feeling more open to ridiculous come-ons.
A few girl-friends and I are planning on giving ourselves glamorous makeovers and going salsa dancing Friday night, sans boyfriends. I needed a new pair of shoes to go with my dress (I know, the horror! The horror!), but I wasnít being extravagant. I just wanted a pair of black, strappy heels that are comfortable to dance in, preferably satin, since I tossed out my old pair for being too worn to wear anymore.
Monday evening, I hunted down the shoes without too much effort, and I ended up satisfied. I also ended up getting home later than I expected and while leaving my car in the driveway, I noticed that one tire was low on air.
For my car, itís unusual for one tire to be lower than the other, and my anxiety had been gaining strength for awhile. Whenever Iím anxious, I get delusional as all hell. I convinced myself that I ran over something and my tire would be entirely flat before I could do anything about it.
I decided to deal with it the next day. Putting something off is the worst thing I can do to my anxious mind. Most of Monday night, I didnít sleep. I agonized over a variety of potential problems stemming from a variety of potential situations that did not (and do not) exist. Most of these things were completely unrelated to my car. Iím not totally loony.
The rest of Monday night, I had the kind of dreams that makes a person wish her insomnia were a little more severe.
Tuesday morning, I looked at the tire again. I realized that I was being idiotic and took my car for a long overdue oil change. While I was there, I asked them to check the tires. That went smoothly, my problem was solved, and I didnít even have to take out the tire pressure gauge. While returning with my new tire air, I started felling like my bad streak might have an end.
Monday and Tuesday, my many bruises cuts and bruises from the stairway fall were aching and didnít seem to be improving. I normally heel at super-human speed, and it wouldnít have been outrageous to expect my cuts and bruises to be gone or significantly diminished by Friday.
This week? My body was not at its best. I imagined how pretty Iíd look with my spaghetti-strapped dress and arms that look like theyíd been in a gang fight. My anxiety also had my stomach doing flips. Eating felt like an attempt to stuff wads of crumpled cardboard down my throat.
Tuesday night, I went to karate. The traditional class opening was skipped (My teacher has been especially absent-minded, lately) and I didnít get to stretch properly. Even after I was warmed up, I made elementary mistakes, my flexibility wasnít there and I was just plain tired. My brain hasnít been functioning well, lately. My concentration and processing ability is terrible.
Towards the end of class, my teacher had us fight. During the last minute or so of my last fight, I got punched in the nose. It did not feel like a big deal, but then it started bleeding. Again, I thought about how pretty itíd look on Friday night, if it bruised (it didnít).
After class, swallowing blood, I went out to my car, and realized that I needed to stop for gas (always at the most inconvenient time). Iím sure I was quite the sight at the gas station.
My inability to think clearly and quickly has been frustrating me a lot, lately. If itís bad in karate, you can imagine what itís like at work. I started worrying that I have an undiagnosed disease, but before I get too panicky, I should try sleeping better.
Last night, I slept decently, but I am still tired. To make up for the sleep I have lost during the past few months, I imagine that Iíd have to sleep for a week straight. I donít mean the restless, nightmarish kind of sleep, either, I mean real sleep.
I have to concentrate on karate for the next month, but the month of May has turned into a big play month, for me. After my karate test, I have on my schedule: a climbing party at the rock gym, salsa dancing, a day hike, spelunking (caving), a three day trip to WV - where Iíll be climbing the via ferrata, and skydiving.
Iíve decided to be smart about karate and limit my outside activities until after the test. However, the warm air and bright sun has me itching to run on some trails. If itís going to be nice on Saturday, maybe I can just hike on them.
This doesnít mean that I am not making sleep a higher priority. I need to fit in more yoga and meditation, if I intend to keep my anxiety under control, and sleep well.
Monday, Adam will be back. At first, I wasnít too happy about his absence, but itís helping me refocus more on myself. I think that for my next vacation, I will go spend a week in a monastery.
|Wednesday Mar. 26, 2008 at 1:04 PM|