I�m feeling pretty good this Saturday morning. I had some time to myself last night to relax and gain a little perspective. There was a birthday party last night, and I sent Adam along and stayed home myself. I wasn�t sick and I had no prior engagements. I felt bad for standing up my friends, but I just needed a day off.

Many of my friends are extroverts, and I think it�s not easy for an extrovert to understand the perspective of an introvert. I am not shy. I am not afraid of people. I�m just happier when they are not around. I need time to rejuvenate, so when I do see people, I am happy to see them. Rather than being in my un-rejuvinated state, which is resentful that they�re using up space and oxygen that I�d rather have to myself and making noise that I�d rather not hear.

I don�t dislike them. I need to be away from them so I can continue to like them. I know that many people understand this intellectually, but don�t really fully grasp it. So, I explain again and again, and hopefully someday, it gets through.

Anyway, I got that very valuable alone-time that I so desperately need, and I�m feeling better today. Even more so, Adam came home late last night and is still sleeping this morning. Even MORE time! Woohoo!

I�ve been feeling torn about my work, lately. As in, sometimes I just don�t think it�s what I want to do. Adam asked me the other day if it is because I feel that I don�t make a difference.

I found that almost laughable.

I work for that evil empire known as the US Healthcare Industry. I am part of that tangled mess that makes life so difficult for so many people. I�d be out of the job if we had socialized medicine, and honestly, if that happened I�d be happy to be unemployed.

My job inside the death star is save the industry money. I don�t come up with the ways the money will be saved. Someone else does that, tells me, and I go into the data to make sure it actually gets saved. Everything in healthcare costs slightly less because of what I do.

If I made one mistake, I could cost the industry 4 or 5 times my annual salary. I affect millions of dollars every month. Do I worry that I don�t make a difference? No, I don�t.

I know that there are probably obscure data people manning the ebb and flow of various numbers across the US who probably lament �making a difference.� That�s because it�s an unglamorous, thankless, cog-like job.

Everyone has taken apart some beloved but broken appliance, hoping to get it working again, to find a broken $1.50-at-the-hardware-store piece that the whole thing depends on to keep going. A little seemingly-insignificant thing that you didn�t even know you owned until it stopped working. It makes a difference to you. You just don�t know it makes a difference to you.

Maybe it�s my Japanese heritage expressing itself, but I like being that unknown cog. At least, I liked being that unknown cog.

But, it�s not about making a difference. I think it�s about being able to establish connections.

Now, here I am, starting my entry off talking about how I wish that my residence was on a deserted island, with a passing raft about once a month, to get my fill of human contact. Then going on to talk about how I think I may be dissatisfied in my job because it does not allow me to establish more connections with people.

Well, I don�t know. Perhaps there are ways to establish connections with them without being inundated with them.

Despite that my best friend has always been a computer (because we just have so much in common), I think that I might want more humanity in my life.

Or something. Maybe it�s not even that.

Maybe I�m tired of making a financial difference and I want to make a difference in a realm that I consider to be more significant.

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