Iím finding this sunshine and warm air extremely nourishing. Maybe I should be living in a warmer climate. Iím so little Southern Californian these days, but maybe there are still some remnants in my blood. I belong where itís hot and sunny every day. I certainly donít have any German in me when it comes to that, even as pale as I am.

Well, I emailed with Joe a little bit. Heís still talking about leaving Japan, but still unsure about what he wants to do when he gets here. He said how nice it would be to be able to buy a nice blender. He wonít buy one now because heís not going to ship a blender halfway around the world. I understand that. There are only certain things youíll buy when you know you wonít need to ship it or move it.

My dad also emailed me. I complained to Joe about it. This is from my email:

Speaking of an irrational fear of commitment, Daddy emailed me. He asked if he could visit in April.

Unfortunately for him, I do not have a fear of commitment, and every weekend in my April is booked up solid. Seriously. You can look at my google calendar, if you don't believe me. May is half booked up. I still have two weekends free. I told him so, and told him which weekends. I told him that if he could make one of them, I'd block off the weekend for him.

He back-tracked immediately. On second thought, he's not too interested in visiting. It's not that important. Let's put it off indefinitely.

This is not how normal people operate. I know because I am friends with lots of normal people. They form bonds and make commitments. They are willing to give you a specific time and place for a meeting without it becoming a dramaÖ

I don't even find it insulting. I think if it had been anyone else, I'd have been hurt and wondering what I did wrong, but in his case, it all seems so sad and pointless. He's going to refuse all human bonds up until the very end.

This was a few days ago, and I must admit, itís still lurking around in my subconscious. I can feel it subtly affecting my behavior.

Itís this weird thing that I canít define. Most people desire a bond with other humans. Some people really canít stand the idea of having a bond with another person; like my dad, or the people I chose to have relationships with when I was younger.

Even though I was tortured by the arms length, hands-off, complete indifference by those I loved, there is another side of that experience that I still find comforting. Itís a lack of interference. Itís a world where my internal dialogue doesnít get interrupted. They didnít want to know and they didnít want to be involved. I could continue in a completely solitary way of thinking.

I know I find it comforting because I feel smothered and constrained when there is too much involvement. I guess there must be a spectrum of desire to experience close bonds. Some people canít get enough, others want none of it, and then there are many people who are somewhere in between.

Itís ironic because when I left my relationship with Neil, I was absolutely positive that I was never ever going to become involved with another one of those people-hating people. You know, those people who just plain donít like other people. Theyíd probably do wonderfully living on a deserted island for the rest of their lives because the mere presence of another person throws them into fits of resentment and anger.

I donít know what I am. Iíve failed to decipher it. I donít think I am one of those. I think of that quality as being an unfortunate genetic mutation thatís fostered by modern society and will eventually contribute to the downfall of humankind. I know Iím not one of those because Iíve felt the need for and understood the evolutionary advantage to community.

I know that I find small-talk really annoying. Does that mean I donít like people? No! It means that people are typically trying to engage me in conversations that I donít find interesting.

Iíve really felt like my inner dialogue is suffering. I feel like Iím being interrupted or cut off, somehow. That constant feeling of interruption is giving me that icky feeling. Why is it there? Why canít I get back to my inner dialogue after someone has asked me a question? A completely banal and uninteresting question throws me off?

Well, I am trying to revive myself. Iíve determined that I canít live this way, so there needs to be a complete over-hauling of the innards. And, for Godís sake, no more small talk from people who should really know better.

Other than that, things are going ok. Last week, a few of us went over to Nicoleís so she could do our make-up for a night out. She and the others were going to some singles event, while I was going to rendezvous with Adam for salsa dancing.

Afterwards, she and I discussed a variety of looks and how to achieve them. Later, she emailed me a list of cosmetics she suggests that I purchase to round out my collection. Strangely (or maybe not), besides Nicole, I already had the most cosmetics, by far. Of course, all of my friends are outdoor adventurers.

I was just telling Adam how when I was very young, I would play outside and climb trees wearing skirts until one of my friends told me that they can see up my skirt when I stand in a tree. I think thatís the beginning of my realization that prettiness and activity are considered to be mutually exclusive in our society. Why else do all sports bras look stupid and all athletic shoes ugly?

With all of our modern technology, theyíre telling us that they canít make things for women that are both functional and attractive? I admit, things are much better than they used to be, but they still have a long way to go.

I think itís been ingrained into our heads that athleticism is not feminine and pretty. As for me, I have an uncontrollable urge to climb things, run around, kick things and punch other things, along with the insatiable desire to use beauty products and wear high heels. If society wanted to teach me a lesson regarding pretty athletes, the message was completely lost on me. All they really do is make me mad, especially when Iím looking for a decent looking sports bra.

0 comments so far

Thursday, Apr. 02, 2009 at 11:13 PM