Lately, I�ve been sleeping pretty well, but it was so hot in my bedroom last night, I had no chance. It�s strange, but I usually don�t have problems with being hot. Even today, I�m wrapped in a blanket and I have my space heater going in my cube.

A couple of weeks ago, our relationship counselor had us look into our Myers-Briggs typology. I already knew my personality type and I had already spent some time researching it (INFP). I was less familiar with Adam�s, but I was able to read up on it easily enough. We�re both very strong in our personality types.

Even though I knew my own type and I had previously read about it, I�d forgotten a lot about it. At first, it was so nice to see it written out, especially seeing my personality described as a type and not as pathology. The other thing that it reminded me is how much I deny my personality type.

I grew up in an environment that did not nurture who I was, and I learned to believe that who I was wasn�t worth nurturing. Also, survival was always my first priority. I wasn�t given the luxury of letting other things be higher priorities. That transferred into adulthood. By the time I was 25, I owned a nice house in an expensive suburb and had two brand new cars in my garage. That didn�t spring from some desire to succeed, that sprang from a desire to protect myself. I needed tangible things to remind me that I could find stability in an unpredictable world.

In my effort to obliterate my personality, in favor of something more desirable, and create stability for myself, I spent most of my time not being me. I�m not saying that I was miserable. I could put on business clothes, heels, make-up and talk on my cell-phone and pretend that I was an important business person of some sort. I do enjoy pretending that I�m so much more sophisticated than I am.

I think this past year, the play part of it started fading for me. The game got stale, and all the un-fun stuff piled up. Being important for real is no fun at all.

After my initial elation being reminded that I�m a real type and not a crazy person, I started feeling sad to realize how much I deny myself. Of course, that explains why I�ve been so unhappy and stressed out, lately. Right now, I�m at the stage where I can recognize that things aren�t going how I want them to go, but I don�t know how to fix them, either.

I�m beginning to think I spent a couple of lives as a cat. Maybe that�s where all the warrior stuff comes from. When people say that I�m cat-like, they usually don�t mean that I�m especially agile or slick. They usually mean that I yawn a lot, and I know how to look really comfortable.

The other day, the psychologist made some observation about me, and I almost blurted out, �Well, that�s because I was probably a cat in a previous life.� I caught myself in time. I even surprised myself when that was the first thing that came to mind.

I do go a little anti-reality sometimes, though. This past year and a half or so, I�ve really been working over-time to stifle myself, so it�s no wonder I went a little nuts. I guess considering how nuts I could have gotten, it hasn�t been so bad. My version of crazy has always been the Walt Disney version. Usually, at my worst, my nastiest insult to fling at someone is to call them �mean.�

Not that I don�t unintentionally insult people sometimes, too, but that�s something else.

The other thing that my typology reminded me is how I am naturally very soft. I remind myself of one of those big, puffy funguses that grow in lawns. The ones where you just give them a little jab and they break apart into dust. A fungus is appropriate because I�m not soft in a charmingly delicate way, more like in a spores flying everywhere, way. And, I grow back, obviously.

Because the world is such a harsh place, I�ve had no choice but to create such gigantic walls that I can�t even see out, let alone people seeing in. I can�t weather things all naked, like some people can.

Last weekend, I went on a long hike with my friend, Edi. We talked a lot. That was the first time in a long time where I opened up to someone face-to-face, by choice, and one of the rare times where I was open with someone and didn�t feel slapped down for daring to be myself.

I don�t think it�s just me. Most people are struggling so much, themselves, that they�ll slap down everyone they can because they�re so scared of everyone else. That, or they�ll keep their walls so high, there�s no chance of real connection.

Other than that, Adam�s school year is coming to an end, and the day after finals, he�s turning 30! So, I guess I�ll be dating an adult now?

The week after that, we�re going to our first opera, La Traviata. I can�t wait.

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