Ok, new theory.

I'm not anxious about my lack of exercise/workout results because I don't have much else to worry about.

I'm anxious about it because my anxiety has been hovering around code-red level and my nerves are stretched so tight that everything bothers me.

It crept up on me with so much stealth that I didn't even notice it happening. That is one of the negative side effects of staying so occupied so much of the time.

The second I realized it, I decided that I had to put myself back into the mental infirmary.

Back and forth. Good, bad, good, bad; which, I have to admit is an improvement over bad, bad bad, bad.

Last night, after too many consecutive bad nights, I lay in bed trembling, scared to sleep, and scared not to sleep.

I nervously drew reiki symbols all over myself over and over again, whispering chants. I forced myself to focus, which I also had to do over and over again, because my mind kept racing off to anxiety ridden, scary things.

Then, out of nowhere, it was morning. I had fallen asleep and slept well.

Man, that stuff is potent. Usually even sleeping pills can't cut through that crap.

This morning, by the time I was in my car and on my way to work, I was already in falling-apart mode, again, and I had to keep reminding myself to focus, so I wouldn't slide off the slick, icy roads.

I got to work, and after reading my first three emails, I seriously wasn't sure how I was going to get through the day.

I sat in meditation for 5 minutes, which was really all I could manage at the time, but it did help.

I did get through the day, I actually felt a bit calmer by the end of it.

I'm still not feeling great tonight.

After I ate, the first thing I did was download a light and frothy book to my Kindle. I read a bit of it, then I stopped to chat with Adam before he went off to his Ultimate game (This very innocuous chat had me swinging wildly between extremely nervous and soothing calmness. Yeah, it's just SO MUCH FUN IN HERE).

I did my strength training workout. That helped a bit, too.

So, all day I've been thinking that I need some journal writing therapy to help me out. However, if I were to write everything out, I'd be here all night, and I've got things to do.

Like, number 1, take a shower (since I did just finish that workout thing that I mentioned) and number 2, a serious effort toward meditation. Talk about totally un-fun, but I can't deny that it has to be done.

0 comments so far

Tuesday, Feb. 01, 2011 at 9:04 PM