So today was my first day working at the mental health clinic, giving reiki.

My reiki teacher had warned me that giving reiki for 4 hours straight can take a toll on the body, but I thought I had done fairly well. I came home feeling totally trashed, though. I was also a bit shaken up because the last person I treated was this lady that sort of reminded me of my mom.

Also, about 35 minutes into the treatment, she lifted her head and started chanting, ďI FEEL NOTHING! I FEEL NOTHING!Ē That shocked me because I felt like my hands were the hottest with her than anyone else Iíd seen today. I wasnít really sure how to deal with it.

Iím still not. Even though, I felt like the day was generally positive, her commentary made me feel rather weak and impotent.

I came home expecting Adam to be home, but he wasnít. Iíd wanted reassurance, but I was really too tired to think much about it. I ate and took a nap, but I didnít wake up feeling refreshed. After waking up, I was surprised that Adam still wasnít home, and then I remembered heíd told me that he was going to an Ultimate Frisbee skills clinic tonight.

I emailed my reiki teacher about the woman, and irrationally hoped that she would respond quickly. Sheís working in Ethiopia, so I imagine that it will be a few days before she can get around to responding, maybe longer.

So, without anywhere else to turn, I consulted the I Ching. I asked it ďWhat was my lesson today?Ē It responded with hexagram 12; stagnation. Basically spelling out that Iím doomed, and the thing Iím pursuing should be abandoned.

More specifically, this hexagram is sky over earth, which sounds nice enough, but it actually signifies a disconnect between the upper and lower classes (Context: this book was written for the rulers to consult during feudal China). Meaning, youíre going to make some bad choices because youíre not in touch with your people.

So, feeling a little discouraged, I decided to ask it, ďHow should I approach next week?Ē And, I shit you not, I got the same hexagram.

This time, there was a changing line, which is intended to be advice thatís more specific to the current situation. It said, ďAccept the sadness.Ē

The changing line also means that there are future ramifications for my current situation, which lead me to another hexagram. I canít remember the number of that one, but it was ďRetreating.Ē That one told me that Iím going to be forced to retreat, or that I am better off retreating, Iím not sure.

Since I was looking all over the place for reassurance and getting none, I gave up on that and forced myself to take a shower.

I contemplated the day, wondering where I went wrong. I remembered last week when I was talking to my reiki teacher and going through this whole hiring process. She told me that she felt like I was selling myself short. She advised me to find more self-empowerment.
But, really, getting someone who lacks empowerment to feel empowered is probably the hardest koan of all. Actually, you canít make someone feel empowered. Thatís something that they have to do themselves.

Likewise, I canít make myself feel empowered, either, and God knows Iíve been trying.

Or have I?

Lately, it seems like Iíve been looking outside of myself for all of my encouragement. Iíve been leaning heavily on Adam and my teacher to get a lot of verbal help and encouragement. Through this whole transition, whenever I find myself questioning myself, Iíve been running to one of them, or just when Iím feeling like Iím starting to falter, someone has come along to say the right thing at the right time.

When I havenít had that, Iíve had my astrology and other divination practices to help me along.

I had all of that, until now.

So, I was contemplating that in the shower, and then all of a sudden, these words popped in my head, ďScrew you, Universe! I donít care what you say. Iím not going down without a fight.Ē

Suddenly, there it was; my empowerment. This isnít to say that Iím 100% empowered now or that I know what Iím doing any better than I did before. However, Iíve realized that Iíve got to stop relying on outside sources to encourage me at every turn. I have to start manufacturing my own.

It also got me wondering why it is that I need to feel threatened before I can feel empowered?

For the really difficult transitions in my life, I always had to manufacture my own encouragement. If I sat around waiting for the universe to bestow things on me, I wouldnít be where I am today. I would have wasted everything that I have to offer the world and spent all my time trying to numb my worldly experiences until I could finally leave life.

It also made me wonder a little bit about the nature of these various divination practices that I have, and my relationship with them.

One could argue that rather than giving you an honest assessment of your current situation, itís really giving you a lesson about it. (ie, the I Ching telling me to give up, forcing me to find my empowerment).

Or one could just argue that itís a bunch of bollocks. Or at best, itís random, and all the wisdom acquired from it arises from the interpretation.

I honestly donít know. According to my interpretations there is always an uncanny relationship to my situation or question, so to me, it seems impossible that itís random. But, thatís me.

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Thursday, Jun. 07, 2012 at 9:38 PM