So today was my first day working at the mental health clinic, giving reiki.

My reiki teacher had warned me that giving reiki for 4 hours straight can take a toll on the body, but I thought I had done fairly well. I came home feeling totally trashed, though. I was also a bit shaken up because the last person I treated was this lady that sort of reminded me of my mom.

Also, about 35 minutes into the treatment, she lifted her head and started chanting, �I FEEL NOTHING! I FEEL NOTHING!� That shocked me because I felt like my hands were the hottest with her than anyone else I�d seen today. I wasn�t really sure how to deal with it.

I�m still not. Even though, I felt like the day was generally positive, her commentary made me feel rather weak and impotent.

I came home expecting Adam to be home, but he wasn�t. I�d wanted reassurance, but I was really too tired to think much about it. I ate and took a nap, but I didn�t wake up feeling refreshed. After waking up, I was surprised that Adam still wasn�t home, and then I remembered he�d told me that he was going to an Ultimate Frisbee skills clinic tonight.

I emailed my reiki teacher about the woman, and irrationally hoped that she would respond quickly. She�s working in Ethiopia, so I imagine that it will be a few days before she can get around to responding, maybe longer.

So, without anywhere else to turn, I consulted the I Ching. I asked it �What was my lesson today?� It responded with hexagram 12; stagnation. Basically spelling out that I�m doomed, and the thing I�m pursuing should be abandoned.

More specifically, this hexagram is sky over earth, which sounds nice enough, but it actually signifies a disconnect between the upper and lower classes (Context: this book was written for the rulers to consult during feudal China). Meaning, you�re going to make some bad choices because you�re not in touch with your people.

So, feeling a little discouraged, I decided to ask it, �How should I approach next week?� And, I shit you not, I got the same hexagram.

This time, there was a changing line, which is intended to be advice that�s more specific to the current situation. It said, �Accept the sadness.�

The changing line also means that there are future ramifications for my current situation, which lead me to another hexagram. I can�t remember the number of that one, but it was �Retreating.� That one told me that I�m going to be forced to retreat, or that I am better off retreating, I�m not sure.

Since I was looking all over the place for reassurance and getting none, I gave up on that and forced myself to take a shower.

I contemplated the day, wondering where I went wrong. I remembered last week when I was talking to my reiki teacher and going through this whole hiring process. She told me that she felt like I was selling myself short. She advised me to find more self-empowerment.
But, really, getting someone who lacks empowerment to feel empowered is probably the hardest koan of all. Actually, you can�t make someone feel empowered. That�s something that they have to do themselves.

Likewise, I can�t make myself feel empowered, either, and God knows I�ve been trying.

Or have I?

Lately, it seems like I�ve been looking outside of myself for all of my encouragement. I�ve been leaning heavily on Adam and my teacher to get a lot of verbal help and encouragement. Through this whole transition, whenever I find myself questioning myself, I�ve been running to one of them, or just when I�m feeling like I�m starting to falter, someone has come along to say the right thing at the right time.

When I haven�t had that, I�ve had my astrology and other divination practices to help me along.

I had all of that, until now.

So, I was contemplating that in the shower, and then all of a sudden, these words popped in my head, �Screw you, Universe! I don�t care what you say. I�m not going down without a fight.�

Suddenly, there it was; my empowerment. This isn�t to say that I�m 100% empowered now or that I know what I�m doing any better than I did before. However, I�ve realized that I�ve got to stop relying on outside sources to encourage me at every turn. I have to start manufacturing my own.

It also got me wondering why it is that I need to feel threatened before I can feel empowered?

For the really difficult transitions in my life, I always had to manufacture my own encouragement. If I sat around waiting for the universe to bestow things on me, I wouldn�t be where I am today. I would have wasted everything that I have to offer the world and spent all my time trying to numb my worldly experiences until I could finally leave life.

It also made me wonder a little bit about the nature of these various divination practices that I have, and my relationship with them.

One could argue that rather than giving you an honest assessment of your current situation, it�s really giving you a lesson about it. (ie, the I Ching telling me to give up, forcing me to find my empowerment).

Or one could just argue that it�s a bunch of bollocks. Or at best, it�s random, and all the wisdom acquired from it arises from the interpretation.

I honestly don�t know. According to my interpretations there is always an uncanny relationship to my situation or question, so to me, it seems impossible that it�s random. But, that�s me.

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