Iíve been feeling really tired and run down, lately. I also havenít been sleeping well.

The other day, I mentioned it to my Reiki teacher, and she suggested the same technique that she always suggests to me. For some reason, I always forget about that one.

Anyway, the answer came. I havenít been offering myself enough love. I also realized that giving love isnít about pampering or giving treats. Those kinds of things are an indication of love, which is great when itís coming from other people. It helps us know that we are loved. However, when weíre with ourselves, it always isnít so easy. When we give ourselves a gift, we know whether or not it was sincere. It needs to be accompanied by the feeling of love to be satisfying to ourselves.

Also, love and compassion can be kind of tricky. Sometimes the best way to love someone isnít to give her what she wants. Sometimes, itís about pushing her in ways that arenít so comfortable. Sometimes itís doing that exercise that you donít want to do or facing that challenge that youíve been avoiding, not because it feels good, but because itís the best thing to do, long-term.

I donít think Iíve been spoiling myself all that much nor have I really been doing things that I know are good for me, other than working. I think itís more about the accompanying feeling of love that I need to think about. Itís not about the act. Itís about making the emotional connection between my actions and the intention behind them.

I need to be patient with myself, too, of course. Itís only been five weeks since I left work. Life has been changing at warp speed. Itís expected that I might feel off balance. While I recognize that I need to be patient with myself, I also recognize that I need to honor who I am. Who I am is someone who likes feeling accomplished. I like doing a lot and being productive. I like looking back at my day and being able to tick off all of the things I did with pride, even if no one else knows about any of it. So, itís a balancing act.

As far as whatís been going on with me in a concrete way, life is ok. School is starting to feel more familiar and comfortable and Iím not constantly terrified that Iím writing a terrible paper or turning it in at the wrong time. Work has been going well. The experience that Iíve been getting at the mental health facility is invaluable. Thatís also starting to feel more comfortable, and Iím not constantly terrified that Iím going to royally screw up and destroy someoneís life and/or get fired. A friend of mine teaches a yoga class at another mental health facility and sheís getting married in a couple of weeks. She asked me to sub for her yoga classes at her studio and at the mental health place. Yesterday, I went to the mental health place for training and I enjoyed it quite a bit. She also asked me to incorporate some Reiki and energy work into their exercises, and it seemed to go very well. Going to the new place and doing group work has also been invaluable experience. Iíll go back next week to get more training and Iíll be on my own the week after.

Whatís amazing to me is how responsive these people are to the slightest bit of compassion. Most of them just want what everyone else wants. They just donít know to express their desires in a conventional and expected way. They want to be heard and to feel accepted. I spent most of my time listening, encouraging and offering a little bit of physical contact. This is a day program, so Iím guessing that most of these people live alone or theyíre ignored by their families.

I talked with this one elderly schizophrenic man that was literally panting from anxiety. I calmed him down using a few energy techniques during the class break. About an hour or so later, he was sitting between me and another member of the class. He turned to her and said, ďWill you hold my hand?Ē She looked at him like he was a shark asking if he could chew her hand off at the wrist, so before she could answer, I said, ďIíll hold your hand!Ē I held his hand for about five minutes and every minute or so I checked in with him asking, ďHow does this feel?Ē He kept answering me in a relieved voice, ďIt feels good. It feels really good.Ē When he felt like heíd had enough, he let go.

I made a logo for my impending new website. Iím letting the other blog die. I decided not to pay for another year of that domain because itís too confusing and weird, anyway.

I was going to work on the website, but I decided to work on Adamís instead. A few months ago, Adam and I started working on his professional website, and we had a terrible time accomplishing it. Part of my previous professional life was to explain technical stuff to non-technical people, but he was an extra challenge. It was probably just the relationship getting in the way. How some people manage to work with their spouses in family businesses, Iíll never know.

We decided to put it off until summer, when heís less busy. He just has a few more weeks before he goes back to school, so I figured that now is the time. We sat down together and came up with a design that he likes. I have enough to go on to start coding.

Anyway, before I can do any of that, I have a paper to write for my clinical interviewing class (wee!).

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Tuesday, Aug. 07, 2012 at 12:04 PM